As I spent the day re-fueling I didn’t do much of anything…except the laundry which is endless around here….I watched The Incredibles with Daniel for the umpteenth time (funny how each time I find something new in it), I watched some mindless soaps (it’s amazing how I can pick up right where I left off with who is doing whom and all that) I napped, I watched Ellen for laughs and then Oprah. It was a day of down time.
Oprah’s show today did spark some thought into me as it was titled A Mother’s Controversial Confession. It was the response from mothers to a controversial essay written by Ayelet Waldman, who is a Harvard-trained lawyer turned stay-at-home mom turned writer who has been married to Pulitzer Prize-winning author Michael Chabon for 12 years. The mother of four says that her children are not the center of her universe—and, she says, that’s the key reason she and her husband have a very passionate sex life.
In a provocative New York Times article, Ayelet recently made a controversial confession. She boldly proclaimed, “I love my husband more than I love my children.” Ayelet’s article struck a nerve with moms around the country, and some of them were on the show to talk about it.
I must say it was a rather lively show….not for viewing with the kids, mind you, but certainly lively. Personally, I think a few of the women on the show just were not hearing the point Ms Waldman was trying to get across and spent most of the time talking about how they knew their husbands understood why their children had become the center of their universe. One even went so far to say that she and her husband decided this together and he was okay with her being too tired to cultivate their own relationship. he was okay with her “servicing his needs” while she watched Oprah and Wheel of Fortune….okay then!
I read Ms Waldman’s essay and thoroughly enjoyed it. She provoked a lot of thought in me and forced me to take a good hard look at my own self and where my husband and children fit into the landscape of my heart.
I do love my children very much. I would die for them without a moment’s hesitation. I have an amazing connection to each of them from their infancy days that will always be in my heart even as they have stretched their wings and become the independent creatures I have wanted them to be. Yet, despite this amazing bond we have forged, I love their father more. I love him differently, true, but I also love him more. He is the reason they are here….even Daniel. It was OUR LOVE that brought each of these little darlings that distract us now into our lives.
From Holly down to Daniel they seem to demand a lot of our time and a lot of our attention leaving precious little for just us. But we somehow manage to make the time whether it is “abandoning ” them for a night at a nearby B & B or a regularly scheduled date. We work hard to make eachother a priority and some days it is harder than others and one of us or the the other or both of us are just absolutely exhausted. Yet we still do try to put one another first, even above our children.
We do this for us….someday our house will be empty and quiet with just us and we do not want to suddenly realize then that we do not know one another. We do this for our children….we both are children of divorce and have our own personal baggage from the demise of our parents’ marriages. We both resolved 22 years ago that if we were going to do this we were going to do this forever which meant hard work sometimes and we were going to do this so our kids wouldn’t have to deal with what we did. Also the way we both see it is hat better way to tell your child how much you value and love them than by letting them see how much you love their dad or mom?
I will confess that I don’t have this down pat perfectly. Somedays I just want to be alone gosh darn it and some days the last thing I want is to get physical. I at least have come to realize that I need to say why, that “honey, I am all touched out because of our son the cling-on. I love you so much but even if you find me sexy with baby snot all over, all I want to do is take a hot bath all alone and have a glass of wine.” The very first time I got up the courage to say this out loud I was surprised to find that he was okay with it and even gave me a no-strings-attached-back rub. It’s things like that that reinforce with me what Ms Waldman said about the best foreplay sometimes is your husband doing the dishes. I once said that to my brother when he cringed over Bill doing the dishes after dinner. He just didn’t get it as I think some of Oprah’s panel didn’t. Maybe someday they will. I do hope it will be before the kids leave the nest.
What it boils down to is it was that intense love for your partner that got you those children you adore so much in the first place….why not celebrate it?