Motherhood is awesome but, at the same time, it is so bone crushing, soul killing hard. We do and we do and we do and we do and there are some days where we wonder if all this doing is really doing something. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this blog post by Chris over at AlphaMom. I cried when I read it because it has been that kind of day/week/month/several months being a mom.
Yesterday, right before I headed off to work to earn the bacon to bring home because my family seems to need so much bacon, my son, my beautiful boy, told me that I am the best mom in Manteca.
A couple of weeks ago I was the best mom in the whole, wide world and now just Manteca? Really? Still I am the best in Manteca. All the other moms around here can just go and cry their eyes out and be jealous because I am the best because the best son ever has declared it to be so.
I headed off to work feeling buoyed just a little. I needed that just as much as I need his hugs and unconditional love and worship. It keeps me going. Don’t judge. Right now my half marathon training and my son’s mommy-worship is what keeps me going.
But soon enough I crashed and burned. Checking my current account balances on my smart phone, I realized that there was no way in hell I could make my tiny dancer’s opportunity and dream come true. I probably knew this a while ago because I am the only one bringing home the bacon, but c’mon, this is Radio City-freakin’- Music Hall and training and dancing with the Rockettes for a whole week next summer for the kid whose passion is dance, whose dream is to dance in New York City at Radio City Music Hall with the Rockettes. I had to try. Try and worked my ass off I did. But it wasn’t enough and checking the finances it was painfully clear. I sent a message to her dance coach, heaved a heavy sigh and headed into work for the night.
And then I fell apart and cried like a baby in front of everyone in my workplace.
Great! Just great!
Thank goodness for hugs…for big, warm hugs…and for the charge nurse to tell me to go home…after she held me and hugged me. Thank goodness for hugs.
Coming home I cried some more and dreaded facing my daughter and smashing her dream into teeny-tiny bits and pieces. You have to know her passion and her dreams to get it. I’m not a dancer but I get passions and dreams and once in a lifetimes opportunities. This was hers and as her mom I worked hard to make it come true. I worked my butt off. But it wasn’t enough. I suck at fundraising, especially during a recession. And during a recession when I am the only paycheck coming in to the Big Top, I suck all the more.
It is what it is.
I waited for my daughter to come home from dance feeling like a major failure and dreading the moment where I stomp on her dancing dreams. She came home and, as best as I could without crying again, I told her. There would be no New York, no dance classes with the Rockettes’ choreographers, no dancing at Radio City Music Hall. She nodded and hugged me tight telling me that it was okay.
Of course I cried again.
She then asked if I would help her braid her hair for the Homecoming Rally tomorrow.
I cried even more.
I have to say that there is something zen-like braiding hair. It’s calming. My tears slowed and eventually ceased. I began to think how lucky I am. This daughter of mine is amazing!
Even better was to see her Facebook status before she turned in for the night.
& in the end, its really just the little things that matter♥
and then to read her sister’s response
Baby sister, you’re adorable.
Still wallowing, because sometimes it feels good to wallow just a little when you are down, I found a friend of mine feeling like a Mommy-fail as well. I invited her to join me on the Mommy-fail bench for the night but I promised her this:
Hurray for do-overs! Hurray for tomorrows! Hurray for awesome kids like mine to reassure me that even when I am absolutely certain that I suck, I do not. I mean how could I suck when they are they way that they are? Yesterday I did suck. I really sucked. But today I am pretty good because my kids are damn awesome!