Monthly Archives: November 2010

Day #30

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Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

The letter is posted and is private because, after all, the directions are write a letter to myself. This has been an interesting thirty day emotional and mental exercise. As I imagined some days were hard, REALLY hard…and a little harsh. Still it was an exercise that I appreciated. A little self reflection and navel contemplation never hurt anyone. I’m not hurt at all. In fact, I am alive and kicking and ready for the next month of blogging and another meme.

Another Meme??!!

I imagine some of my friends are groaning just a little. Yes, another meme, another exercise of self reflection and definitely more navel gazing. It’s the last month of the year. What could possibly be a better time for a little bit reflection and manifestation? The end of the year is an opportunity to reflect on what’s happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead.

I joined Gwen Bell’s Best of ’09 Challenge last year searching for a way to somehow reconcile and accept what I thought was a horrible year before beginning the new year. Through the course of the last month of 2009, I came to see that although some parts of the year were challenging and at times, overwhelming with suckage, I still enjoyed many blessings. The 31 day exercise provided me with just enough optimism to embrace 2010 with the hope of the good that it promised to bring. Participating really got my head and my heart in a better place. Here I am twelve months later and again I am ready to stop and reflect and send out optimism and inspiration for the next year that will be 2011…2011!! 2011 promises to be a busy year, a challenging year and a happy, hopefully a happier year for my circus act. And I will be ready as I begin to reflect and send out hopefully positive reverberations for the year ahead.

I encourage, challenge and invite you all to join me and a lot of amazing others.

Day #29

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Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I stubbornly believe that there is nothing really I can change about me. I have changed so much the last couple of years.

  • I gave up a full-time position and added responsibility at work in order to allow myself some much needed flexibility to juggle it all and to decrease some stress. Stress abounds in my life, just like everyone else’s life, but this one area of stress that I did have control over so I made the choice to make the changes necessary for my mental health. I know, it is all about me. But it eventually trickles down to those around me, especially my family and my friends.
  • I recognized that I was clinically depressed and I took the steps necessary to do something about it, to seek help and to get treatment.
  • I decided to do something about these symptoms that are menopause for me because I had enough with the hot flashes, the insomnia, the inability to focus, the everything.
  • I got my fat ass up off the couch/out of bed and I began to move joining Shredheads everywhere moving to Jillian and Bob and, eventually, getting out there and running. The added bonus was I began to feel better and I dropped over 20 lbs.

But there is still much to change and improve.

  • I probably could and should change my snarky attitude about those in my life who are stuck and seem to refuse to step up and change…at least from my perspective they are not even trying….yes, they know who they are and if they don’t :::couch::: darling husband :::cough::: then they should.
  • I DEFINITELY need to do something about my temper. My family, at this very moment, is clapping and cheering wildly.
  • I should just suck it up and accept a relationship with my Mommy~Dearest on her terms complete with the un-medicated by choice Bipolar disorder and the need to always rehash her autobiography complete with every single minute detail that I already know because I have heard it hundreds of times before. No, I do not exaggerate ever when it comes to my Mommy~Dearest. Mom is 67 0r 66 years old (rumor has it she lied about her age on my birth certificate) and she is mostly harmless…if I plug my ears and sing loudly la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
  • I need to grow my hair long. No, not really for anyone but for myself…even though Holly has said she might like my hair long rather than short in time for her wedding…the wedding redux with the hearts and flowers and God and blessing which is still on in April 2011.

Yeah, there is much that I could and should change about myself.

I’m working on it.

Okay?

Be patient, please.

Right now I am working on growing my hair long again.

One change at a time.

30 Days of Truth

Day #28

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Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Nothing,

I would do nothing because it is absolutely, positively impossible for me to discover myself to be pregnant. My darling husband made the choice to be snipped nearly fifteen years ago and I seriously doubt that the few tired, old menopausal eggs that still remain could ever be fertilized IF I were having sex.

But if I were to find myself suddenly knocked up…whoooo-wheeee would I have some serious ‘splaining to do!

30 Days of Truth

Day #27

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Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

At the beginning of every day, no matter how messed up yesterday might have been, I have the promise of a brand new start. A new start  and more time to appreciate all that I have….

  • my amazing family
  • my career and job…OH EM GEE I HAZ a job!!!
  • a circle of amazing, loving people whom I can call friends
  • the Big  Top circus tent…again, OH EM GEE I HAZ a home!!!
  • my good health and a body that seems to be able do things many 48 year old bodies can’t or won’t do.

Somedays things can seem like they are pretty bleak and sucky and I do tend to wallow in the muck of all that from time to time because that is my nature. But thankfully the day ends, I hopefully get a good night’s sleep…or at least some sleep…and it is another day, a different day, a brand-new day. The problems that surround me remain with all their stress and worry but still it is a new day with potential to do things differently.

What I have going for me most of all is a sense of optimism which I work hard at maintaining in this time of overwhelming pessimism.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.
Maria Robinson

30 Days of Truth

 

terribly two

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That is her, sweet Hazey-Poo! She is so disarmingly adorable that it takes one by surprise when her demonic side rears up it’s ugly head and spews forth a torrent of toddler terror that would give even the most skilled of exorcists pause.

It’s hard to be two.

It’s even harder to be the long-suffering loved one of the two year old.

Life has been pretty hard lately for Hazel. There is potty training, being told what to wear and eat, when to sleep and when to get up. Suddenly, there is no longer free access to one’s binky anytime it is needed/desired.  Life has been pretty amazing up until recently but now we are two…terribly two…terribly two and a half.

We’re not even considering the tumult and upheaval of moving and marriage and waking up one to day to having two men to call Daddy and having to pack up and hang out with one of the Daddies even if we don’t feel like it.

And people wonder why this two year old has been so terrible lately?

Grandparents with experience and perspective offer lots of love, support and advice. professionals weigh in and offer even more perspective. It helps. It helps a lot. Still, she remains terribly two in a demon-possessed sort of way.

But with a lot of love, TONS of patience and the willingness to let go just a little, she is muddling through and regaining a little bit of control and equilibrium in her world. It’s good for this tiny terrorist to know that she has control of much more than just when she chooses to go poop…definitely not in the potty, especially when mommy wants us to. The girl is even to begin to accept her Baby Daddy just a little. He is included in her latest drawing of her family. She talked to him on the phone Thanksgiving. The very first thing she told me this morning was that she was going to spend her day with him today. She dressed and sat next to me on the sofa and waited…

and waited…and waited.

He never showed up. Nor did he call.

An hour after she was dressed and ready to go, her mommy suggested they have breakfast together and she let Hazel choose. She had no control over her Baby Daddy not coming for his court appointed visit, but she could choose what to have for breakfast. She chose oatmeal with raisins and walnuts.

A good choice!

And then she enjoyed the rest of her day with her mommy, grandparents, aunties and uncle.