I know the expectation in polite society is that when someone asks, “How are you?” the reply should always be “I’m fine, thank you.” even if that isn’t the truth. You might be feeling sick to your stomach or like your sinuses are ready to explode. Perhaps you have a pounding headache that is jack-hammering your brain or you might have a a blister on the heel of your foot thanks to those cruel shoes you insist on wearing because they make your legs look hot. Or maybe you are so overwhelmed with the worries of your life that you feel there will be no relief…ever. Still when someone asks how you are doing you are expected to smile and tell them that you are fine. Oh, and don’t forget to ask them how they are doing too. Don’t worry, they won’t dump even more burdens, pains and woes upon you. They will smile back and tell you that, yes, they are fine as well.
It is all so pleasant.
Except when it isn’t really.
Don’t worry. I am doing okay…mostly. I don’t believe in wearing shoes that hurt so my feet are just fine. I’m just not okay. Thank goodness for my circus act who adores me…even when I am a naggy, raging, tearful bitch. And thank you that I can easily run 3-5 miles because some days that is truly what keeps me going. Still the reality is I am overwhelmed more than usual with the burdens and worries that is this life of mine. It comes and goes; but lately it has been coming more than going. So right now if you were to ask me I would have to say that actually I am not okay or fine because it is lately so hard to pretend that I am.
No, you can’t fix any of it. I don’t expect you to. Just sit with me, hug me and please, dear god don’t tell me that you know exactly how I feel because truthfully you don’t.
Thank you for letting me be truthful right now.