Late Friday afternoon we were informed via form letter that our son will be forced to start school at a different school than the one he attended this past year…which was a different school from the one he attended in the 2010-2011 school year…which was different from the one he attended in the 2009-2010 school year. For those keeping score that means that Daniel will have attended four different schools in four consecutive school years and yet he remains within the boundaries of his neighborhood school, the school he attended in 2009 and the school three of his sisters attended.
So fantastically, fucking awesome, isn’t it?
I warned people last Friday F-bombs would be dropping.
Our family is so frustrated.
At his last IEP we discussed at length concerns his teachers and our family has had about his socialization skills and the fact he has no friends.
Can you imagine how heart-breaking it is to know that your child has no friends…doesn’t have a best friend? No one to have sleep overs with, to share birthday party invites with, to plan play dates with?
Can you imagine how HARD it is for a child to make and keep friends when they are shuffled every year to a different school?
As a child, from kindergarten through fifth grade I attended eight different schools…EIGHT. No, I was not a military brat. My family just moved a lot for reasons I never clearly understood. I was too busy trying to make a friend to play with on the school playground. A friend who could offer a little bit of respite from my adult responsibilities of caring for my younger siblings and mentally ill mother. And usually right around the time when I would have a friend whom I could play with at school and around my neighborhood, we would move away to another community, another school district, another school.
I can imagine how hard it is for Daniel at the start of every school year. Standing there on the playground, holding tightly onto his mom’s hand that first day of school, he sees boys and girls running all over the place sharing stories of their summertime adventures they enjoyed with their friends and family. They are rushing to hug teachers from the previous school year or the yard duty mom or the cafeteria lady. The principal is walking around the campus waving, calling out to his or her students asking how their summer vacation was and the kids rush up to hug him or her. That first day back to school can be so stressful for students as they anticipate what the new teacher will be like and what the next grade will be like. Thank goodness there is so much familiarity for the boys and girls to have at their school. It is an environment where they can feel safe and comfortable as they begin a new adventure in a new classroom with a new teacher in a new grade. For six years of my elementary school experience I did not have this; and now my child, Daniel, doesn’t get to experience any of this…not since first grade.
It sucks. It absolutely, positively sucks.
Yeah, I’m crying.
Everyone at the IEP meeting a couple of months ago agreed that he deserved and should have stability in having a home school…even if it was not our neighborhood school. They all concurred that socialization and making friends was an important part of his education experience. And so the school district’s office of special education, in their infinite wisdom, grace and mercy declared from on high that Daniel would be starting the 2012-2013 school year at a new school across town. Requests and agreements made during IEP meetings be damned.
To the school district officials who made this decision all I can say is, “Dudes, you have no clue what you have unleashed.
Hell.
Hath.
No.
Fury…
Fortunately, Team Daniel is a big team, is a strong team, is a team including people who are savvy in special education law and writing and implementing IEPs. They are people who have come along side not judging us but supporting us, encouraging us, reassuring us that we didn’t fuck up trusting that our concerns would be considered and addressed. We have demanded another IEP meeting for as soon as possible and have an advocate in place who will be attending this meeting with us…a very tenacious advocate who can and will fight for Daniel.
I have no clue what the outcome will eventually be. I do know a fury has been unleashed and we are prepared to fight for our son to have that which virtually every other child in his school district is afforded: a school environment where he can feel comfortable and safe so that he can indeed realize the wish the director of the school district’s special education department has for students like Daniel to have a “happy and successful school year”.
But ultimately all I want is someone my son can call his friend…his best friend…something that I always wanted as a child.
This makes me so so so very mad! And, of course, afraid, because social skills/socialization/friendship-related concerns are precisely the areas that are difficult for Hallie. Anyway, these are some measures I would take, on top of hiring an advocate, which I would absolutely do: 1. Does Daniel see a developmental pediatrician and/or a psychologist? Have him/her flag the social skills issue and put in writing that stability of environment is critical to developing these important interpersonal relationships for success in the educational environment (and life). It’s a no brainer, but having a medical expert’s written opinion as part of the record helps. They have to accept and account for this as part of Daniel’s record if you submit it in writing, even if it’s not a school-district driven evaluation. 2. Get everything and do everything in writing and tape the IEP (ask first). Paper trails/records are nice if you do have to go to mediation and or Due Process. It’s amazing how much people say that’s illegal even when they know a tape is running. (There are some very small very quiet digital recorders that are nice and clear. We have one that we got that Olympus makes that set us back not much money—30 or so dollars, I think). 3. If you haven’t been over there yet, Wrightslaw has lots of very good advice. I would consult Advocacy W/o Emotion (a book they produce) as you head down this road. If you can’t find a copy in the library/locally and can’t afford to buy one, I can look for mine and send it to you—Just say the word. The website at Wrightslaw (Free and searchable) also provide a wealth of info. Look for cases like Daniel’s (preferably in CA or in the same Circuit) to build your case. Read the law. Do homework. They have trouble shooting down relevant analogies. 4. Assemble data–and there’s lots of it–that ELBW preemies are at high risk for issues related to social skills/autism/etc and that stability of environment is essential for them to learn effectively/do well in the classroom. I don’t know if Daniel has an official diagnosis along these lines (this is the one place where it helps) but even without this, you can make a good case.
Good luck with tihs—try to stay sane and cool (Sharon was shocked at how cool and collected I was when we landed in mediation when Hallie was transitioning to 3-5. I am not a cool and collected person–far from it.). I’m around to bounce ideas off of. And please send a big hug to Daniel.
Abby and Sharon, I give thanks all the time that we have connected via the internet thanks to our mighty, tiny, preemies! We all have learned so much in this journey. I appreciate ALL of your info and advice. Truly!
I have scheduled a meeting/appointment with Daniel’s pedi asap with the intended goal that we have an actual working diagnosis. He has been a “grey area” child for years now and we all were content with that but I think to be able to go to the mattresses for this kid we need a real diagnosis. So many things are cropping up recently that have us concerned and it is time to have a name attached to them. Definitely I will get her impressions and others in medical community in writing for the next IEP.
Thank you my friends!
Truly!
Ugh, that is all so heartbreaking. I cried. I moved seven times between first grade and fifth (also not an army brat, just dumb parents) AND I was busy taking care of my mom and my younger sister as well. The parallels here are crazy! So this post made me cry because I know how it feels to always be the new kid and never make any friends. I can’t even imagine how much infinitely harder it must be with special needs as well. I truly hope Team Daniel can get something figured out and get the sense knocked into the school board. I hope he can find a friend soon. I didn’t find a close one until my sophomore year of high school and then I clung so hard I married him.
And I still have trouble making friends. So for sweet Daniel’s sake, I hope he can find a friend much much sooner rather than later. <3 Also, I'm Hollie's internet friend and I love your blog. 
Yup, made me cry. Fight for that darling boy. Fight hard. We will be there to help support you. I didn’t have many friends in school when I was younger, too odd to fit in, so I know that pain. He deserves more.
Laura, have you ever heard of Wright’s Law?
I am sending you every extra bit of strength I can. You will need it. I hope you win.