Day #30

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself.

The letter is posted and is private because, after all, the directions are write a letter to myself. This has been an interesting thirty day emotional and mental exercise. As I imagined some days were hard, REALLY hard…and a little harsh. Still it was an exercise that I appreciated. A little self reflection and navel contemplation never hurt anyone. I’m not hurt at all. In fact, I am alive and kicking and ready for the next month of blogging and another meme.

Another Meme??!!

I imagine some of my friends are groaning just a little. Yes, another meme, another exercise of self reflection and definitely more navel gazing. It’s the last month of the year. What could possibly be a better time for a little bit reflection and manifestation? The end of the year is an opportunity to reflect on what’s happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead.

I joined Gwen Bell’s Best of ’09 Challenge last year searching for a way to somehow reconcile and accept what I thought was a horrible year before beginning the new year. Through the course of the last month of 2009, I came to see that although some parts of the year were challenging and at times, overwhelming with suckage, I still enjoyed many blessings. The 31 day exercise provided me with just enough optimism to embrace 2010 with the hope of the good that it promised to bring. Participating really got my head and my heart in a better place. Here I am twelve months later and again I am ready to stop and reflect and send out optimism and inspiration for the next year that will be 2011…2011!! 2011 promises to be a busy year, a challenging year and a happy, hopefully a happier year for my circus act. And I will be ready as I begin to reflect and send out hopefully positive reverberations for the year ahead.

I encourage, challenge and invite you all to join me and a lot of amazing others.

Day #29

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.

I stubbornly believe that there is nothing really I can change about me. I have changed so much the last couple of years.

  • I gave up a full-time position and added responsibility at work in order to allow myself some much needed flexibility to juggle it all and to decrease some stress. Stress abounds in my life, just like everyone else’s life, but this one area of stress that I did have control over so I made the choice to make the changes necessary for my mental health. I know, it is all about me. But it eventually trickles down to those around me, especially my family and my friends.
  • I recognized that I was clinically depressed and I took the steps necessary to do something about it, to seek help and to get treatment.
  • I decided to do something about these symptoms that are menopause for me because I had enough with the hot flashes, the insomnia, the inability to focus, the everything.
  • I got my fat ass up off the couch/out of bed and I began to move joining Shredheads everywhere moving to Jillian and Bob and, eventually, getting out there and running. The added bonus was I began to feel better and I dropped over 20 lbs.

But there is still much to change and improve.

  • I probably could and should change my snarky attitude about those in my life who are stuck and seem to refuse to step up and change…at least from my perspective they are not even trying….yes, they know who they are and if they don’t :::couch::: darling husband :::cough::: then they should.
  • I DEFINITELY need to do something about my temper. My family, at this very moment, is clapping and cheering wildly.
  • I should just suck it up and accept a relationship with my Mommy~Dearest on her terms complete with the un-medicated by choice Bipolar disorder and the need to always rehash her autobiography complete with every single minute detail that I already know because I have heard it hundreds of times before. No, I do not exaggerate ever when it comes to my Mommy~Dearest. Mom is 67 0r 66 years old (rumor has it she lied about her age on my birth certificate) and she is mostly harmless…if I plug my ears and sing loudly la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
  • I need to grow my hair long. No, not really for anyone but for myself…even though Holly has said she might like my hair long rather than short in time for her wedding…the wedding redux with the hearts and flowers and God and blessing which is still on in April 2011.

Yeah, there is much that I could and should change about myself.

I’m working on it.

Okay?

Be patient, please.

Right now I am working on growing my hair long again.

One change at a time.

30 Days of Truth

Day #28

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?

Nothing,

I would do nothing because it is absolutely, positively impossible for me to discover myself to be pregnant. My darling husband made the choice to be snipped nearly fifteen years ago and I seriously doubt that the few tired, old menopausal eggs that still remain could ever be fertilized IF I were having sex.

But if I were to find myself suddenly knocked up…whoooo-wheeee would I have some serious ‘splaining to do!

30 Days of Truth

Day #27

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

At the beginning of every day, no matter how messed up yesterday might have been, I have the promise of a brand new start. A new start  and more time to appreciate all that I have….

  • my amazing family
  • my career and job…OH EM GEE I HAZ a job!!!
  • a circle of amazing, loving people whom I can call friends
  • the Big  Top circus tent…again, OH EM GEE I HAZ a home!!!
  • my good health and a body that seems to be able do things many 48 year old bodies can’t or won’t do.

Somedays things can seem like they are pretty bleak and sucky and I do tend to wallow in the muck of all that from time to time because that is my nature. But thankfully the day ends, I hopefully get a good night’s sleep…or at least some sleep…and it is another day, a different day, a brand-new day. The problems that surround me remain with all their stress and worry but still it is a new day with potential to do things differently.

What I have going for me most of all is a sense of optimism which I work hard at maintaining in this time of overwhelming pessimism.

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.
Maria Robinson

30 Days of Truth

 

Day #26

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

As the daughter of the woman who referred to herself as Lady Lazarus, no.

Growing up, I witnessed far too many times my mother’s failed attempts to end her own life. I have no doubt of the overwhelming pain and hopelessness that she suffered through because I was living in it living with her. But, even as a child, I just could not comprehend her desire to give up and end it all. My failure to understand was purely from a selfish point of view. Was her life really so pointless, so painful, so hopeless with my brothers and sister and myself in it? Did she ever really love us? Did she think about the mother’s love she had for her children when she would try to end it all? Did she ever love us enough to choose to live no matter the depths of her despair? When she would swallow her barbituate-alcohol cocktail did she ever once wonder what would happen to us? Did she even care?

There was and is so, so much more to the whys of my mother’s multiple suicide attempts that took place while I was growing up but I can’t ever imagine understanding nor can I ever imagining coming to a point of wanting to give up, wanting to end it all. That doesn’t mean that there have not been times in my life where all I have felt was despair and hopelessness. No, I have not been immune to that perhaps because I am my mother’s daughter. But as dark as my own depths of hopelessness might have been, there has always been a light…even a promise of a light; and that alone was and is proof that I have much too much to live for to ever give up.

I couldn’t commit suicide if my life depended on it
~George Carlin