Category Archives: all about me

and today the sun shines

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It has been pretty dark around here. I’ve been pretty dark. I know I have been scaring my kids and my darling husband a little. I know that because I know how I felt growing up watching my own Mommy Dearest slump into her darkest days.

My darkest moment earlier this week came when as I was gathering all the information the IRS is demanding from us, I could almost hear Mr. Potter’s voice in my head…the part where he looks at George Bailey and says “You’re worth more dead than alive!” That was a scary thought rambling around in my head. And as it crossed my mind so did the memories of the times when my Mommy Dearest would have the strength to get up. Too many times as a child I bore witness to her unsuccessful attempts on her own life. I don’t ever doubt the pain she was in or the hopelessness that she felt. Still while I love her so (in spite of what my brother and sister believe) I have never been able to reconcile those acts. Becoming a mother really made it impossible for me to do so. No matter how dark and hopeless and worthless I might feel, I look to my darling husband, my five beautiful circus clowns…my greatest achievements ever... and my gorgeous grandbabies and well, I see just how wonderful my life is because of them…in spite of my fears, my anxieties, my depths of despair.

How lucky am I?

I can not turn away from such wonderfulness…not ever.

Then there are the friends, old and new, acquaintances and people whom I have never, ever met, but have had conversations with who have reached out. It all overwhelms me in a good way…in a very good way. So like George Bailey, I see light as I realize in spite of what is most definitely an impossible situation, I am surrounded by a lot of love and am indeed enjoying a wonderful life.

I won’t lie, it would be even better if y’all had showed up with baskets and baskets of money…unless you are coming over later.

Are you?

Regardless, it is a wonderful life and I promise that I am working hard to appreciate that and to enjoy every minute of it.

let the joyous news spread throughout the land

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Birthday week will now begin!

But that isn’t why I found the special plate before me this morning for breakfast.

No, my darling husband had decided that I needed to fuel up before my audition adventure up in Sacramento. Oh, and it IS the start of birthday week palooza.

I won’t lie, it has been a rough weekend for me. It’s mostly my own doing that brought it all on but the overwhelming stress and worry became just too much on Friday. Thank goodness for friends and a darling husband and hugs and 3 mile runs and long soaks in the hot tub and good food and wine…

and silly hipster babies…

and nutella-stained, freckle face smiles…

and the opportunity to share my words auditioning for Listen To Your Mother Sacramento. What a nurturing, encouraging experience that was! Thank you Margaret and Nichole for the opportunity!

 

 

in a word

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Oh 2013, a brand new year!

Welcome!

Four days into it and I am finally considering a reflective post about the start of another new year for me. I have no resolutions. I don’t believe in making them. I’ve said that before here…over the last eight years around this time of year. I don’t. But like so many others, I can’t help but consider this a good time to reflect on what lies ahead. Like my friend Kristen said, they are “days full of wonder without any mistakes in them. Yet.” Others are making plans to run big races or get organized or maybe to break a bad habit or to lose a set number of pounds and those are all good things to work on…for them. As for me, I choose to look ahead.

Okay, fine, there is a little bit of personal navel gazing…but no resolutions.

My hair is now long enough for me to twist it up into a braid…a thick strong braid because my hairs are so dang thick. I like it. I like it a lot because, well, it doesn’t take much to make me happy sometimes. Being able to plait my hair is one of those simple things that puts a smile on my face. So while I took a break from my navel gazing, I regarded this braid of mine. It is pretty cool. It is thick and it is strong.

A braid is indeed a particular type of decorative hairstyle or an embellishment that is created by entwining or twisting round and around three or more strands. This intertwining of the smaller, weaker strands of material or hair creates a bond woven together that is stronger than the singles could ever be alone. In their unyielding embrace they are made substantial and strong.

Yeah, I was looking up the meaning of the word “braid” and as I was I came across these words: embellishment, entwine, intertwine, weave, substantial, strong, unyielding, embrace. And yeah, I was seeking a little inspiration while reflecting on my awesome braid and the start of a brand new year. While I fiddled and twirled my braided hair between my fingers it came to me…

EMBRACE

My one word for 2013.

One word that sums up who you want to be or how you want to live. One word that you can focus on every day, all year long.

For 2013 I choose to embrace…embrace who or what? That is to be determined each day in this coming year but I will embrace each day and whatever that day presents to me.

My well-being and my happiness is no one person’s obligation but my own so it should be my responsibility to embrace this life I am given, this life I have created, this life that I am responsible for each and every day. My life is full blessed with my talents, abilities, my darling husband, my beautiful children and grandchildren and the people I hold dear and call friends but none are the key to my happiness and well-being. No, not one of these.

I have been working hard lately on me for my own health and well-being, as well as for those around me whom I love and who love me back. In order to be a better me, to the me that I deserve and certainly the me that they deserve I must embrace every day.

EMBRACE is my word for 2013.

Don’t rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can’t love and respect yourself – no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are – completely; the good and the bad – and make changes as YOU see fit – not because you think someone else wants you to be different.

Stacey Charter

holiday runs

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I got me some new kicks. Kind of pretty, aren’t they? They feel pretty good on the runs that I have taken them out on too.

I’m hard on my shoes…really hard. Well, except for those Loubies because I can’t walk very well in those because I am clumsy and awkward. But I do look amazing wearing them and sitting or standing in one place. Actually, I look hot! But yes, I am hard on my shoes. These Mizunos are my 3rd pair of running shoes that I have bought this past year. One pair was trashed and never the same again after that mud run my son in law challenged me to. As for the others, well there are a number of opinions swirling around as to when a runner should replace their shoes. Me, I am a listen to your body while running kind of girl. My shins and knees don’t lie and when I choose to ignore them, or other body parts, I pay for it. So I listen…and I get myself some new, pumped up kicks.

Just in time for the Runner’s World Holiday Run Streak.

Yup!

I’m running that again.

It really is not such a big feat and it really doesn’t take that much time…one mile…less than 11 or 12 minutes. But after last year, I came to discover just how important it proved to be for me. The stress is different this year coupled with anxieties and just the struggle of getting up some days so, again, I need to be running in order to juggle this life under the Big Top. Thank goodness I have something cute (and more than functional) on my feet!

Meanwhile, because it is Christmas time under the Big Top, it is time to deck some halls, which I confess, is kind of hard to get all excited about and motivated to do…except for the fact that Daniel is all over it and so is Hazel…and Fallon, Fallon is just loving the lights and STUFF that she is determined to get at because they are shiny and look fragile and not meant for a one year old. Oh, and Zoë is coming home for a holiday visit. Yes, the Big Top must be decked…no matter how long it takes. So I hauled out the Christmas boxes, set up the trees, hung some stockings and garland after a 4 mile run earlier this week. I figured that I was already hot and sweaty, I may as well get sweatier.. And I did. While stepping back, basking in my sweaty glow of an awesome run and even more awesome sense of accomplishing at least the start of hall decking, I saw in my blog feed what my friend Linda was doing to with her holiday decorating.

I have to admit I have always wanted to do more with all the medals I earned than hanging them on my scarf rack in the closet. Sure, I haven’t ran any races like I did before. I just can’t afford the fees. But I still run, and wear out running shoes. And I remain very proud of every single medal because I earned them all.

And so I hung them all up on the little tree in our family room.

The one that started it all.

The one that fractured my hip.

And the first time after the hip stress fracture.

Another run with Mickey and Friends, which earned not one but two medals.

It felt so good to wear TWO medals after that race!

Soon enough, I was rocking another half marathon.

Then I PR’d…I give some credit to Linda for cheering me on.

And finally, my birthday gift from my son in law where my blinding, white legs really weren’t an issue because they were covered in mud…as was every other part of me.

And here it is, the holiday running tree. It’s a tree decorated with so many memories. It might not be the Christmas-iest of trees here under the Big Top, but it has just as much heart, soul, love, tears and hugs covering it. That is what makes a Christmas tee special here in my circus tent.

This one is done and it sparkles and glows. Tomorrow the rest of my circus will join me in covering the other ones with even more memories and love and heart and soul and hugs.

But first, I will need to run.

why you gotta be so mean?

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My younger brother called me out of the blue the other day. Actually, he wasn’t calling me. Butt-dialed, miss-dialed, drunk-dialed…whatever it was, he called me. It happens sometimes. But because I am me and he is a part of the toxicity that is most of my family, it was all my fault…all my fault that he called me by mistake and I was the one to waste his time because it took him five minutes to realize that I wasn’t “Louie” but his sister…no, not his younger sister…but the other sister…yeah, that sister. I know this because he told me so…and then continued to blow up my voice mail and text messages, my email and all over my Facebook timeline to make sure that I knew this. This is me. This is my family. This is what they do when I fail them in some real or real only in their mind way. This always was and sometimes occasionally continues to be my life…the toxic family life I try so hard to stay away from, to shield my circus from.

I’m not too much of a fan of Taylor Swift, as cute and adorable as she is but still I find her lyrics to “Mean” circulating through my head lately.

You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I’m nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I’m wounded
You, pickin’ on the weaker man…

You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don’t already see them
I’ll walk with my head down trying to block you out ’cause I’ll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I have had a lifetime of mean from people whom I share DNA with, people who tell me they love me sometimes but more often will tell me everything, and I do mean everything, that is wrong with me. They point out all my flaws, all my poor choices, my bad parenting decisions, my actions that always serve to disappoint them…because it is indeed all about them.

Always.

Yet it isn’t all about them all the time.

I know that much is true even when I apologize and forgive them and keep them at arms length; because although what didn’t kill me and made me stronger doesn’t mean that I have to choose to accept your incessant criticisms to my face, or by phone or by text messages or email or snail mail or anywhere else. When I was a child I could not choose to filter it out. You made it painfully clear that I could not.

But now I can.

Now I do.

Because you haven’t killed me. You made me stronger.

I know, I know. Believe me, I know. In your eyes, in your heart, I suck. I am worthless. I piss you off. I disappoint you. I should be agreeing with you and your criticisms and that I don’t deserve you or your “love”.

But I don’t.

It’s true, all you are going to always be is mean.

I love you still…we are and will remain family and a lifetime of you kicking me down in every way possible doesn’t change the fact that I still love you…oh dysfunction! But thanks to your toxic kind of love, I have been molded and shaped into the person who I am today. The person who sees your kind of love for what it is. Not the kind of love I deserve. No. I am so much more than you see me as.

So much more.

And you don’t deserve me at all.

Note: If you are reading this and are my family and imagine that I am writing this about you well, you are correct. Just know that sometimes to survive you, to forgive you and to try to continue to love you in spite of who you are and how you continue to treat me I have to get your shit off of my chest, out of my head and out of my heart or I just might shatter into a million little pieces…and then who are you going to be mean to? Really? Get over it or better yet just add it to the list you keep of all that is wrong with me. I’m fine with that because I know that is who you are.