when I find myself in times of trouble


Sometimes life is just not much fun which I explain to my young adult children is why it sucks to be a grownup. I told them when they were younger too but they never listened then as children anxious to be grown up never do.

Today was one of those days where life pressed down a little too hard…a migraine…the eye twitchy thing…worrying about work (or lack of) and finances and a broke-ass car that we can’t afford to replace but replace we must and my kids (as their mom I always do worry every damn day because I’m their mom, dammit!)…dealing with my brother’s texts full of lectures and fears about Mommy Dearest’s colonoscopy because routine is never a reality for them which only served to amp up the eye twitchy thing into hyper-drive…and a scary-assed, WTF-is-happening-around-us, near miss driving from Stockton with my son in the car this afternoon. Quite frankly I just wanted to curl up into a ball and weep and wait for sleep or relief from any of what was pressing down upon me too hard to come.

And then the neighbors came over.

This kind of helps.

Actually it helps a lot.

searching the crowd


A friend of mine, who is an administrator at a school, shared with me the story of a student who graduated today. The child upon entering the auditorium, hopefully scanned the seats looking for someone, anyone who was there for her…waving…calling her name…taking her picture and recording her waving back happily…as did every other classmate of hers. Each and every single classmate had people there for them with happy smiles and waves as they recorded the moments, called out their names waving flowers, leis and other tokens of love. But for that one girl, there was no one.

How could you not just cry for that girl?

I can.

I did.

I was that girl.

For whatever reason, whatever excuse, my own mom was never at such events throughout my school career. Yet there I was, each and every time entering the auditorium ever hopeful that people, my people, would be there for me.

Yes, I cried for that little girl and said a little prayer for her…for her to hold on, hang in there, be strong and be so much more than her people who were not there for her.

So when Hazel came to me the other day with her earnest, big, blue eyes and gap-toothed smile, asking me to come to her kindergarten graduation of course I said yes…as I say yes to pretty much every single special event featuring my kids and now my grandkids that is humanly possible for me to attend because moments like this make my heart sing as it heals.

I will confess to you all that I was tired, bone-tired having been awake and running around non-stop for the last 27 hours prior for Daniel’s last days of school activities, Jodie’s graduation and chaperoning an all-night Sober Graduation party. All I wanted to do was just crawl into bed after dropping Daniel off to school for the last day and sleep for the blessed three hours until it would be time to pick him up. But this moment in Hazel’s life was only this day and she wanted me to be there. The moment where she came in and scanned the crowed auditorium looking for her family, her people, and then seeing us…that moment was so much better than the triple shot latte I brought with me.

Who needs sleep?

Meanwhile, her sister Fallon proved to us all that when it comes to what to wear to a kindergarten graduation ceremony we are all doing it wrong.

Congratulations to the future Class of 2026! Always remember: It is better to know how to learn than to know. ~ Dr. Suess.

baby you can drive my car…someday


Overheard under The Big Top this morning…hysterical screaming…screaming filled with rage, frustration and bitter disappointment.

Yes, Fallon was here.

Ah! Toddler life!

What’s wrong?

I can’t drive!

You can’t drive?

No! I want to drive but I can’t drive!

Well, baby girl, you need a driver’s license. Do you have a license?

Yes! But I can’t drive!

Well you need insurance too. Do you have insurance?

Yes! But Abby won’t let me drive!

Abby?

Mom, there is no way. She wants my keys but there is no way that I’m giving them to her.

I want to drive!

Aw, poor baby! I’m sorry.

Aunties can sometimes be so mean.

Her mommy says that she would totally let her drive. That’s because she was at work at the time and just could not bear the tears in this picture that I sent to her. Truthfully, I could not bear the tears either. But I’m still not going to let her drive my car…not that she asked to drive Mima’s car. No, like our friend, Amber said, I can actually visualize this kid passing me on the freeway, playing something like this as loudly as she can. She would be singing along with all that is in her and likely drumming to the beat on the steering wheel because she is Fallon.

Nope. No way is she going to drive my car.