Category Archives: family

the truth about motherhood that no one ever (always tries to) share

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Confession time: I never wanted to be a mother.

I know!

Mother of FIVE children, Mima of two gorgeous babies never wanted to be a mother.

Then I fell in love…HARD. I got married and a few years later the stick turned blue and OMG, I was going to be a mother! Yes, after a brief moment of “oh crap! I’m going to be a mother!!” I melted all over the place because I was going to have a baby…I was going to be a mommy!!

And the first thing someone told me was you’re going to be so fat! Hollie was told the same thing years later…by the same person. I didn’t believe it. Neither did Hollie. But yeah, I did get big…as a house…at least in my mind…while I was pregnant. Good god, who knew one’s belly could stretch THAT much without the skin ripping. But nine months or a little more later after the birth of that beautiful baby who made me as big as a house, I was wearing clothes I wore before I was impregnated. Except for bras. People tell you that your boobs will never be the same again and of course you don’t hear that because who is going to hear such negativity but it is true. Your boobs will never be the same again. In my case, I went from pre-pregnant barely an A cup to a C cup. Funny how I finally got the boobs I always wanted but now I didn’t want them. Take note your mileage may vary, er your boobs will be different after having babies but might not end up like mine.

No one ever tells you that you will never, ever want to go to the bathroom ever again after you push out a nearly nine pound (in my case the first time) human being out of your body…they also don’t tell you that you will likely poop when pushing that human out of your body…at least you don’t hear people telling you that…at your baby shower…at church…in the supermarket. So when your post-partum nurse comes in and happily suggests that you get up soon after birth and go to the bathroom you are thinking “OH HELL NO!!! Did you see what just came out of my now bruised and swollen bottom?1?! That human nearly ripped me apart!!! I am never going to pee or poop ever again!!!” What you don’t realize is that you kind of, sort of predicted your own future…you will never be able to pee or poop ALONE, in private without someone wanting to talk to you right now.

Somehow you manage to pee and poop and survive sleepless nights and cracked nipples and vomit and potty training temper tantrums and snot…so much snot. And if you are a fool, like me, you forget everything everyone told you and that you have lived through and you do it again, and again, and again. At least I was able to go to the bathroom with no trauma after Daniel was born. Eventually, you get to the point where that precious human is ready for school and you think, “Hurray! I am going to be free!”

Heh-heh!

You foolish, foolish mother!

There’s the school drop-off and the pick-up and the PTA (that just might judge you and reject you) and T-ball and soccer and homework…so much homework. You thought you were done with math homework…heh-heh. The added bonus is that small human who changed your body and disrupted your bathroom habits and sleep yet you adore because you are the center of their universe replaces you! You, my dear, are no longer the center of that child’s universe…and you never, ever will be again. There will always be a teacher or a coach or a best friend who they will worship before you. Yes, you were told this. I’m telling you this now. But you won’t believe it.

Just you wait.

Then when you finally have adjusted to life with a school aged child and all that comes with that even managing to eek out some time to yourself something else happens.

Dun-dun-dun!!!

HORMONES!!!

You thought pooping and peeing right after giving birth was traumatic.

You are knee deep in stinkiness and emotions and anger and eye rolls and heavy sighs and slamming doors and closed doors and on and on and on. You are also, clearly, the dumbest person on the planet…EVER. Wine and the fact that god made these children cute so you wouldn’t kill them are the only thing that gets you through this period. Take note if you have three teenagers at one time in your home you will need LOTS of wine.  Trust me, I know. You are certain that you (and your child) will never survive this time and of course you don’t believe it when your friends with adult aged children come along side of you and promise that you (and your child) will survive and you might even be smart again. If you are really lucky, you will become the wisest person they know…the one they tell their young adult friends to talk to because you are the smartest person they know. They also try to tell you that when that child of yours turns eighteen and is an “adult” you are not done…that you will NEVER, EVER be done. Yeah, they tell you that but you don’t hear them, which is why you foolishly post on your Facebook page how you can’t wait until your little darling’s eighteenth birthday because then you will be done and free at last.

Heh-heh-heh!!!

Why doesn’t anyone tell you this, you wonder?

Why?

The thing is everyone told you this. Everyone. They tell you this maybe to prepare you but I think they tell you with wicked delight because they remember just how naive they were back before they became parents…back when they KNEW they would be so much better and never, ever go through any of this crazy joy ride that is motherhood because, for them it would be different. They tell you with a warped, wicked glee that foolish you have no idea what you have gotten yourself into for the rest of your life. You have no clue…no clue at all. Just you wait.

It is a wild crazy and ride.

Thank goodness for the joy…and, if you hang in there, the grandbabies…and the joy of witnessing your mother’s curse upon your child that they will have children someday just like them come true.

I told you so.

I did.

Happy Mother’s Day!

miles

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This last weekend I hit a milestone. I have ran more than 3,000 miles in the last (almost) four years. 3,000 miles! I know! That’s like running coast to coast. I blame Kristen, Bill and Kari…especially Kari! Just kidding! Actually I am quite grateful to all of them for the friendship, the inspiration, the support and the whining…them putting up with MY whining. We have logged many miles together and apart but we were always connected and remain so. Running with them virtually and together broadened my circle of friends with Stephanie, Erica, Liz, Beth, Christina, Christine, Kale and so many more awesome people I’m sure I’m forgetting…go ahead and yell at me for forgetting, mmm-kay? But the circle grew even larger as I connected with local folks running like crazy…Linda, Row, Mac, Mike, Erika and Layla. I even reconnected with a high school classmate who I now count as a very, very dear friend thanks to running. Miles and miles of running together and not together connects us all in a way that one can not imagine unless they too are running. Perhaps it’s all those happy, happy endorphins…or maybe we are just a little bit crazy like non-running folk pronounce us to be. Who knows? But we are a close knit community. When one falls or is injured or must stop running we feel their pain and frustration. When one of us PRs we celebrate their amazing feat. We are a close-knit family thanks to all the miles we have all covered.

So when the bombs went off at the finish line of the Boston Marathon we were pained. No, we were struck down, maimed even. Many of us knew people running in Boston…and were following their run in a creepy-cool kind of way thanks to social media and electronic timing chips and we immediately checked to see where were they on the course. We then checked on our running friends who live in Boston but were not running. Sure, Boston is big city but Patriots’ Day and the Boston Marathon are a big, fat deal in their hometown. It’s a day to play and to celebrate. A huge sigh of relief was breathed knowing everyone we knew was okay. Still we felt the pain being broadcast for hours on end on Monday. Once again our country was attacked on a beautiful day by clearly someone or someones who truly have nothing but hate, mayhem and destruction on their agenda. The loss of life was nothing like 9-11…THANK GOD! Still, a life is a life and we can’t help but feel pain for the families of those three beautiful souls. As runners, we looked to who ended up being the victims that day…runners thisclose to the finish line, spectators cheering them on and looking for their own people to cross. Many of these innocents were family of runners- parents, husbands, wives, children, grandchildren, some were likely to be runners too, runners who just crossed the finish line and looking back for a friend who was still on the course somewhere or runners who were not running that day but were there to cheer on other runners…because we runners like to do that when we can’t run. And some were just people, random strangers there to cheer on these crazy running people…perhaps at the request of a friend 3,000 miles away from the finish line. They were all joined in the community of running, celebrating, enjoying a beautiful day together. And in an instant it was all blown up…literally. So many were injured, horribly disfigured for god only knows what evil reason. And the running community grieved perhaps as much as Boston has been. Our family was viciously attacked. How could we not grieve?

You see, the thing about us runners is that we are runners. We might not have qualified this year. We may have qualified but did not run. We may have been injured and unable to go. We may have never qualified (and given my granny pace, likely never will). But we are runners and Monday and every day since Monday, our hearts have been in Boston.

And since Monday, this family whom I belong to has united even more tightly. We are determined to reach out and love Boston, to share, to help, to give, to show our solidarity wearing our tech shirts from races past all week long and to run and keep on running…running more and more miles…all for Boston. And as we run, we are healing because those endorphins are epic stuff, yo!

The logistics of races will likely never be the same thanks to the evil that tried to destroy the Boston Marathon, but race we will continue to do. More miles. You just can not stop us from running more miles.

Just as President Obama predicted today I know for sure that “this time next year on the third Monday in April, the world will return to this great American city to run harder than ever and to cheer even louder for the 118th Boston Marathon.

Bet on it.”

it’s all fun and games until someone farts and throws up

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Oh photo shoots with families…large families! They can always be fun.

Right?

I try to imagine that. I mean if I close my eyes real tight and think on it real hard it will be so.

Right?

Yeah, but no.

But they can be fun.

They can definitely be fun when your friend is taking the pictures…and what is this with the shot of my ass? My friend has a wicked sense of humor.

We agreed to help my friend, Marie, out with a special project she is doing for the March of Dimes WalkAmerica and NICU Reunion featuring NICU graduates. Actually I agreed. You know how it is. Mom says so and so it is. But this project of Marie’s is a good thing and we manage to get some pictures of most of the family circus. I gave her some pictures that I have of Zoë with her favorite little brother, Daniel which will be included in the poster. We would much rather have Zoë here but life, job, school and bills happen when you are a grown up living on your own more than 330 miles away from home.

We miss you like crazy Zo-zo!!!

Act natural she said.

Relax she said.

Just be yourself she said.

And so we did. Perhaps we did just a little bit too much because yes, someone farted and we all reacted as expected…which Marie documented in several frames. Of course she would because she is the kind of friend who will take a picture of her taking a picture of my ass.

Love that girl!

Thankfully she didn’t document the throwing up.

Oh family photo shoots!

I can’t wait to see what she does with all of this.

play it again: all for love

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This circus act supports love and marriage for all!

originally posted July 17, 2012

Back in 2008, I found myself confronted with the thought of marriage. No, not mine. The marriage of others…who may marry, legally, and who could not. Of course I am talking about California’s Proposition 8 which effectively banned same sex marriages in our state. So much bitterness and hate bubbled up from the campaign for Prop 8 and against it. Arguments supporting it demanded that marriage had to be protected…families must be protected from couples who wanted to be married. All of this reminded me of a way of thinking and laws that were in place to protect marriage when I was just a little girl.

Almighty God created the races white, black, yellow, malay and red, and he placed them on separate continents. And but for the interference with his arrangement there would be no cause for such marriages. The fact that he separated the races shows that he did not intend for the races to mix.
~ Virgina Judge Leon M. Bazile

That’s right boys and girls, before the US Supreme Court’s 1967 unanimous decision  in Loving v. Virgina, interracial  marriage was illegal in some states in the name of morality and the sanctity of marriage, no less. In Virginia, a couple could be jailed for one to five years for miscenegation even if they were legally married in another part of the United States. That was 1967…in my lifetime interracial marriage was against the law! Despite the Supreme Court’s ruling such laws remained on the books until the year 2000 when the state of Alabama finally removed its ban on mixed-race marriages. The year 2000!

How we have evolved…how LONG it took us to evolve!

And yet here we are scarcely more than a decade later and we are wrestling, fighting bitterly over protecting marriages from same sex couples who too want to commit to the act of marriage. Some argue stridently that our marriages will be destroyed if we allow this to happen. How, I wonder? Really, how is a couple, any couple, straight or gay, getting married going to ruin my marriage? How? Bill and I have been married now for 29 years. No one is going to mess that up except, god forbid, us. Our marriage, our vows are ours and our responsibility. I refuse to see how another couple’s marriage could sever that bond that we have worked on and continue to work on.

Back in 2008, I really began to think long and hard on exactly where did I stand on this. My own children’s thoughtful opinions only inspired me to think about this even more. Where did I stand? What would I do if one of my children came to me presenting the love of their life, their soul-mate and expressed their desire to marry that person only to realize that they could not because it was against the law? Would I reject them…like so many supporters of Proposition 8 did…condemn them…hate them?

Of course not!

I love my children unconditionally. I want my children to be free to marry the love of their life.

And so I chose to vote no on proposition 8 back in 2008. Unfortunately, it did pass with 52% of the vote in favor and 47% of the vote against and same sex marriages were and remain banned in our state. But many in California chose to not accept that vote and have remained vocal against what basically was the hate. One group was The NoH8 Campaign.

The NOH8 Campaign is a charitable organization whose mission is to promote marriage, gender and human equality through education, advocacy, social media, and visual protest.
The NOH8 Campaign is a photographic silent protest created by celebrity photographer Adam Bouska (http://www.bouska.net) and partner Jeff Parshley in direct response to the passage of Proposition 8. Photos feature subjects with duct tape over their mouths, symbolizing their voices being silenced by Prop 8 and similar legislation around the world, with “NOH8″ painted on one cheek in protest.
Three years since its inception, the NOH8 Campaign has grown to over 20,000 faces and continues to grow at an exponential rate. The campaign began with portraits of everyday Californians from all walks of life and soon rose to include politicians, military personnel, newlyweds, law enforcement, artists, celebrities, and many more.
The NOH8 Campaign has received overwhelming support from around the world, and has appeared in various local and national news programs and publications. The images are widely used on various social networking sites such as Facebook and Twitter to spread the message of equality.
~from the NoH8 Campaign website

So when photographer Adam Bouska and the NoH8 Campaign came to Sacramento today for an open photo shoot, of course I wanted to go…and my kids wanted to as well…and my darling daughter #1 wanted to bring her children too. It was a family circus affair! Unfortunately the whole circus act could not be there. Bill and Ben were at work, Abby had school and Zoë is living now in LA. But the six of us were there representing this family circus supporting acceptance, respect and equality for all.

All around the Citizen Hotel there was literally nothing but love, smiles and kindness from the hotel staff, the NoH8 staff, volunteers and everyone there.

Men, women, couples (gay and straight), children, families all waiting patiently in line getting their NoH8 temporary tattoos and getting to know one another while waiting their turn for Adam to take pictures.


There was so much love, so much patience, so much kindness, so much acceptance and so much respect in that room. This is exactly what I want my children to know and to reflect…and they do.

My generation was bitterly divided over something that should have been so clear and right. The majority believed that what the judge said, that it was God’s plan to keep people apart, and that government should discriminate against people in love. But I have lived long enough now to see big changes. The older generation’s fears and prejudices have given way, and today’s young people realize that if someone loves someone, they have a right to marry.

Surrounded as I am now by wonderful children and grandchildren, not a day goes by that I don’t think of Richard and our love, our right to marry, and how much it meant to me to have that freedom to marry the person precious to me, even if others thought he was the ‘wrong kind of person’ for me to marry. I believe all Americans, no matter their race, no matter their sex, no matter their sexual orientation, should have that same freedom to marry. Government has no business imposing some people’s religious beliefs over others. Especially if it denies people’s civil rights.

I am still not a political person, but I am proud that Richard’s and my name is on a court case that can help reinforce the love, the commitment, the fairness, and the family that so many people, black or white, young or old, gay or straight, seek in life. I support the freedom to marry for all. That’s what Loving, and loving, are all about.
~ Mildred Loving, June 12, 2007

of pinstrosities and other crimes against humanity

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You know, there is only so much shit one can pin on Pinterest before one must actually do something about all those pins. Wear it, make it, eat it, drink it, do it. Please, do it…or you are just wasting time pinning way too much useless stuff.

And sometimes a girl just needs to enjoy a night with other girls, her sisters and daughters in arms. Let the guys howl at the moon.

The ladies gathered at the Jacqueiros Mansion wearing, making, eating and drinking that which they all have been pinning up on PInterest.

We arrived with yummy salads, cheesy pretzels, booze-y chocolate dipped and filled peppers, sangrias and other drinks (all recipes we discovered on Pinterest) ready to craft some craft ideas pinned on some of our Pinterest boards.

I came armed with the booze-y, chocolate-ly peppers and the spiced rum that they soaked in. Seriously yum with a spicy kick. More on that later.

There was so much yumminess. It’s a good thing I run, I’m just saying.

And there was so much craftiness…and stories shared…and laughter…and love…

and a few Pinstrosities…followed by even more laughter.

And once the girl-children were all tucked into bed, it was time to really let our hair down, enjoy some more wine, sangria or (for the brave) the booze-y, chocolate-ly peppers and play Cards Against Humanity.

Oh dear!

Best.

Game.

Ever.

And yes, one of the best nights shared with family and friends this year.

And what have YOU been doing with the shit you have been pinning on Pinterest?