ownership

Working this week on me being the sole proprietor of my thoughts, my memories, my words, my opinions with my therapist has been hard. A lifetime of being told these are not mine, not real, not true, not worthy of being shared takes it toll. It’s one of the reason why I stopped writing decades ago, much to the disappointment of a high school writing teacher who just recently reconnected via Facebook upon discovering that after high school I stopped writing altogether. I did stop, until I started blogging more than ten years ago. First in secret. Then with a faceless audience who seemed to like the words and thoughts I put out there. Then it grew and grew as did the audience some who know me very well and some who like to imagine that they know me even better than I know me and now, well sometimes it’s hard again. Most times I ignore it all as I remind myself that I am a grown-assed, accomplished woman with real thoughts and opinions and memories that have every right to be put out there with the words that I want to use. But sometimes that damn codependent-y, Golden Retriever in me comes out and, well, it’s hard.

Which is why this week we worked more on the truth that I am the owner of me. And as I reinforced this within myself I received this:

I’ve promised the one who shared this that Brad Pitt will be cast to portray him in the movie version.

this week’s photo dump

Feeling lazy…fighting hard against Bill’s nasty cold that he picked up after our trip to Texas that everyone else is succumbing to…thinking that I have way too much to say and not really wanting to say much of anything at all…I’m just going to dump another slide show on y’all.

Yes, I’m running more again and I am thinking seriously about running the Modesto Half…the one I couldn’t run three years ago. No, I still don’t have a place to hang all those race medals from all of those other half marathons that I ran three or four years ago. But I do have these new, sweet compression tights which proved to be AMAZING on their inaugural 5 miler.

Yes, I am THAT mom who sent her son to school with mismatched socks. In my defense, it was Spirit Week and yes, one day was Mismatched Socks Day.

But the next day was NOT Dirty Face and Un-brushed Teeth Day. Twelve is such a wonderful, kind of scummy age. Yes, I am THAT mom who didn’t notice this until he leaned over to kiss me goodbye at the drop-off. I don’t imagine that he will forgive me for the spit bath I gave him anytime soon. That’s okay.

Halloween came the next day and that trauma was soon forgotten. This happens to be the first year where an older sister wasn’t using him as her trick or treat beard…er, I mean volunteering to take him trick or treating which meant even more candy for him and his new neighbor and friend here. Do you know how awesome it is to have a friend your age living on your street and who likes doing the same things you do? Daniel says it is definitely awesome.

And while Daniel was haunting the neighborhood, some sisters were busy making adventures of their own.

Nieces too.

Fallon’s very first flight, from San Francisco to Atlanta.

Where she and Hazel rocked it as the flower girls.

Hard!

Meanwhile, you know that Halloween drinking game everyone was playing this year?

Major fail here under The Big Top.

Two Elsas and one Anna.

A good thing since I voted while passing out candy.

Then there was the end to Daylight Saving for this year. For some of us it was hard…really hard!

As for me, driving home from SFO late tonight, after picking up my daughter, her husband and their wonderful, little flower girls, I am thankful for that extra hour. Yes, as a matter of fact, there is wine in that cup.

 

 

 

mawage

Mawage. Mawage is wot bwings us togeder tooday. Mawage, that bwessed awangment, that dweam wifin a dweam… And wuv, tru wuv, will fowow you foweva… So tweasure your wuv.

~The Impressive Clergyman, The Princess Bride

It’s a beautiful thing to celebrate…mawage…er, marriage.

It is  even more sweet when it is someone you know and really care for as our family circus knows, loves and genuinely cares for Gary, one of my darling husband’s closest friends since high school.

I tried my hardest not to be distracted by just how hot the Best Man looked and focused on the happy couple.

The struggle…the struggle is real…

I’ve known Gary for more than thirty years now, and seriously, this last year I have never seen him more happy, more healthy, more relaxed, more purposeful.

In his Best Man Toast, Bill confirmed what we had already seen and known sharing that when Gary first talked to Bill about Paula and that she was “The One” he shared that loving her made him want to be a better person.

And then I was reminded of the beginning of our own marriage adventure more than thirty years ago. It’s true. There came a point where in the dating where we no longer “dressed to impress” but just settled into being ourselves and as we fell in love being an even better us because this one whom we loved should have the very best of us always.

Of course as days, the months, the years go by we settle, we get tired, distracted and complacent even because we are comfortable and confident in that love that we have together…and that it will follow us forever.

Thank goodness for lots and lots of patience, kindness, trust, hope and perseverance through better and worse and through the years…and for the marriage celebrations with family and friends that we are honored to witness and share along the way like these to remind us of our own beginnings, our own promises, our own love.

October has been a busy month of celebrations and reminders in our circles.

Hurray for October!

To Gary and Paula, Amy and Christina, Dawn and Albert…congratulations and many wishes of joy and love for you all every day…and thank you for the reminder to us.

 

 

 

 

worth the postage

I got mail!

Kind of a minor thing to share on this blog that belongs to me considering the fact that most everyone gets mail…every day…well, Monday through Saturday. But yeah, I got mail that wasn’t bills or political ads or from the local car dealership with a key affixed to it assuring me that THIS KEY is the winner or even the Pennysaver.

Off topic but who doesn’t read through the Pennysaver now looking for an ad like Juno found after seeing Juno? Perhaps it’s just us here under The Big Top because Juno is one of the family all-time favorites.

But yeah, I got mail.

I know y’all care because here you are reading this post.

I got mail. Correspondence that reached out not offering quick fixes or a diagnosis because while maybe meaningful it isn’t helpful.

No.

Not at all.

Sorry.

No.

It’s okay. You’re not expected to understand. Understanding isn’t necessary. Nor is it expected especially knowing that no one else has lived in this skin during the months and perhaps years of struggle and hiding behind a concealing smile. How could anyone else understand if you’re not in this skin or this heart or this mind that is me?

Sometimes all that is needed are heartfelt expressions of love, lots of love that is real. Hugs are good too even when they are virtual…

and so very real.

I’m wrapped up in all of those virtual and real hugs from both of you right now.

Thank you!

I love you both!

I get mail; therefore I am!

~Scott Adams

 

my 100% track record

So far…yes, this.

Won’t lie, of late it has been wretchedly hard to maintain that 100% track record of mine. Thank goodness for the kind of people who do more than just offer the trite “let me know if I can help” bullshit then avoid you like the plague because that’s what happens with people in your circles when shit happens. It’s okay. I understand. I promise you that I’m not contagious.

Meanwhile, thank you Kari, Mike, Tori, Grace, Craig, Kim, Erika, Jenn and Brenda for little messages and reminders to hang in there. Thank you.

Thank you also my darling husband for just being patient and kind because more than anything that is what I need right now. Wait, I need hugs. I need lots of hugs. Thank you and thank goodness for Daniel and for Hollie sending Hazel and Fallon with hugs. Yeah, I know Hazel might be using these opportunities to get out of homework because 1st grade life is hard and Fallon is absolutely using the opportunity to get out of naps but those are mighty fine hugs and something to look forward to the next day, tomorrow, because yeah today is almost done.