shifted revolutions

Late one August night in 2001, I had an emotional crisis which my darling husband had to talk me down from and hug it out. My then youngest child, my sunshine-y, happy baby girl who was slumbering peacefully in the room next door was going to be starting kindergarten the next morning. No doubt she was having happy, sweet, sunshine-y dreams about her very first day of kindergarten because that was all that she chirped about as I bathed her, brushed her golden hair and tucked her into bed with kisses and hugs. She could not wait.

But me? I had resolved that she wouldn’t be starting kindergarten after all. That’s right. It was settled, I told my darling husband. Jodie would not be going to school.

But…Bill countered…she has to go to school.

No. No she does not. School will ruin her. Look what it has done to our 14 year old first born…a perfectly normal adolescent who would rather chew ground glass than hang out with mom and dad because

Oh my gawd! Mom! Dad! No!!

She used to love and adore us like the sun and the moon that rose and set for her every day. The she went to school.. It’s too late for her and Zoë and Abby but we can save this one. No school for her. I am the center of her universe. She is Mommy’s baby girl. She even still calls me Mommy. School willI ruin it all. No school for her.

I told you it was a crisis.

Bill obviously talked me out of it because Jodie did happily skip off to Miss Smith’s bright classroom the next morning. Our then teenager continued to put us through the paces but we all survived…as we have survived three more teenagers. And yes, the center of Jodie’s universe did shift as it did with all of my children.

Dammit school!

So now I start to adjust to the fact that my third circus clown has left The Big Top…and her empty room…and the even quieter circus tent…and remembering not to set a place for her at the table…and on and on… I’m going to be okay…I think…and then Laurie shares I was the sun, and the kids were my planets and…

Dammit!

:::SOB!!!:::

I’m a mess all over again because Beverly Beckham is right. When Hollie left the first time and then left the second time with Hazel and when Zoë left and now Jodie it has been the end.

I was the sun and they were the planets. And there was life on those planets, whirling, nonstop plans and parties and friends coming and going, and ideas and dreams and the phone ringing and doors slamming.

And I got to beam down on them. To watch. To glow.

And then they were gone, one after the other.

Yes, they do come back but it is never the same, noisy, chaotic, busy circus that was life under The Big Top when I was the sun and they were my planets.

kids are assholes

Sorry.

It had to be said.

Sure they are cute…too-too cute. But they rob us of our sleep, our bodies, our patience, our sanity and then they grow. They grow up much too fast.

From this adorable, cuddly, cuteness…

To this still adorableness but oh-so opinionated and exhausting human being.

Then before you can even begin to catch up on the years of lost sleep, they rip your heart out as they pack up all their prized possessions and with the help of their very best friends, load it all up and celebrate…yes, celebrate because they are moving…moving more than 700 miles away.

Oh yes they did!

She hasn’t been gone 12 hours and I am missing her much too much. So I shut her bedroom door, took the cat to the groomer, went for a long run, ran all kinds of errands and…

missed her all the more.

Don’t imagine that yours will grow up much, much too fast before you are ready? Scroll back up and look at those first two photos. Don’t blink, don’t pause because those adorable little assholes whom we adore more than anything in the world won’t wait.

Botox and fillers and bangs…oh my!

Here is where I confess that I am mildly amused when I see younger women whose faces are paralyzed. I swear I’m not judging. I regularly have Hollie color and hide the suddenly large patch of gray on the top of my head because I’m absolutely not ready for that bullshit. Honestly I’m still believing that redheads don’t turn gray as they age but rather fade to a rosy gold, then to a glorious white. So yeah, Hollie colors my hair making me ginger-er and I certainly have no place to judge women younger than me whose faces don’t move.

But every once in a while I see a lovely woman, my age, older, younger, whatever whose beautiful face is frozen and filled in such a way that I have to stop myself from crying out…

WHY?????!!!!!

Perhaps that’s I why I believe (for now) that Botox is not for me. Plus the fact those vertical lines above my nose, permanently etched because of literally decades of squinting because I haz special eyes would need to be filled rather than Botoxed. Oh, and needles and my face? Um, no. My luck my sensitive skin would react in such a way that I could not literally show my face for days; or worse, I would look like I suffered a stroke.

Because it is me, that would totally happen.

Still, vanity sometimes gets the best of me like when I think about the fact that as my lovely sister gets married next Saturday, I will be 20-25 years older than the rest of the wedding party.

Really.

Of course no one cares, or at least they shouldn’t because it quite literally is all about the beautiful bride, my sister, and her handsome, adoring groom.

OMG! I can’t wait!!!

Perhaps I should thank the lady I saw in Starbucks today whose lovely face was frozen and filled in such a way that it was truly frightening. She saved my face…today.

For me, bangs are my Botox.

80 days later…

Two weeks ago, Bill was working it up on a treadmill literally wired all up for sound.

Wired all up for ultrasound that is…a stress echocardiogram along with a 48 hour monitor and cardiac labs all to determine if he was healthy enough to return to work and play and basically normal life…or at least a new normal life not smoking, taking multiple cardiac and cholesterol medications twice daily, exercising more and eating better.

And the verdict is labs are still a bit off but his heart is strong enough to return to work and ease slowly back into his Krav Maga workouts. Oh, and the cardiologist commends the wife, that’s me, because the diet changes are working. The diet changes that basically I have done all along but someone might not have been eating…AHEM!

And so 80 days later, after the STEMI, the 100% right coronary artery blockage that could have been, should have been fatal according to Bill’s cardiologist, my darling husband has been here the last three days.

Believe me, he is smiling on the inside. He’s back to work. He’s at a job site on a project that he was hoping to be working on because, like the Levi’s Stadium project that he was a part of, this is kind of cool.

At our dinner celebration last night, he shared with me just how awesome this is because back to work…and alive…and celebrating another year together…

The conversation went on as he reflected on a coworker, age 46, who died from the same type of heart attack the same week Bill had his…and an old friend the same age who also passed recently…and a younger, former colleague…and the father of someone we’ve known for the past 10 years who was not that much older than we are. I’ll confess the last one shocked me because I did not know what he died from, just that, sadly, he died very unexpectedly. But Bill is friends with our friend on Facebook so he was privy to the details. The loss of all of them was sobering, very sobering. Sitting beside my darling husband right now I can not imagine the pain and grief their families must be feeling even though we came so close…much too close 80 days ago.

Bill agrees.

So much has happened the last 80 days or so. We can’t help but think about life, fate, luck, grace and how close we came to not being here now more than 80 days later.

And what happened to these two kids from 1982 because if you look past the damaged heart and grey hair and no hair and creakier limbs and worry lines and laugh lines, they are still there…somewhere.

Thankful.

So very thankful.

Heart Attack Warning Signs

Chest Discomfort- Most heart attacks involve discomfort in the center of the chest that lasts more than a few minutes, or that goes away and comes back. It can feel like uncomfortable pressure, squeezing, fullness or pain

Discomfort in other areas of the Upper Body- Symptoms can include pain or discomfort in one or both arms, the back, neck, jaw or stomach.

Shortness of breath with or without chest discomfort.

Other signs may include breaking out in a cold sweat, nausea or lightheadedness.

IF THESE SIGNS ARE PRESENT CALL 911!!!

Learn CPR!!!

Your actions can help save a life…perhaps the life you love most.

catching a glimpse

The school Spring portraits arrived last week and suddenly I catch a glimpse of the future.

Just a glimpse of the young man my son is becoming. OMG! this is happening much too fast.

And to stop the excessive weeping I focus instead on the backdrop that Lifetouch has posed my son in…or perhaps they DID take him to the banks of the Stanislaus River.

Maybe?

Perhaps.

Yeah, no.

Distracting myself is virtually impossible so I go back to the reality that my boy-child is not the little cherub that he was in kindergarten

:::SOB!:::

I would ask him to slow down but I know that it would be impossible.

Manhood is literally just around the corner.