plus: sharks

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There has been better days and good days and okay days and then there is a bad day…and I see this on my Facebook timeline.

OMG, yes! Sharks!!

Exogenous or endogenous…”Who the hell really cares?!”…that’s what my doctor said to me.

I like her.

I like her a lot.

I also respect the years and years of study she has spent always learning and trying to better understand the physiology of the brain. We are working hard together and, yes, there have been better days. There have been days with more positive energy and a lot less self flagellation.

Then comes a bad day and…

At least I’m working, working very hard, and I continue to go on.

The struggle.

The struggle is real.

But the work is good even if it is hard and sometimes even brutal.

Who knew that this non-swimmer could manage to swim a little, tread water and ride the surf a little?

But I am.

I just got to watch out for those damn sharks.

Thank you Adam for the perfect words on what wasn’t a very good day. It’s good to know I’m not riding those waves alone.

what he said


Found this today and all I can say is yes…hell yes.

I no longer have patience for certain things, not because I’ve become arrogant, but simply because I reached a point in my life where I do not want to waste more time with what displeases me or hurts me. I have no patience for cynicism, excessive criticism and demands of any nature. I lost the will to please those who do not like me, to love those who do not love me and to smile at those who do not want to smile at me. I no longer spend a single minute on those who lie or want to manipulate. I decided not to coexist anymore with pretense, hypocrisy, dishonesty and cheap praise. I do not tolerate selective erudition nor academic arrogance. I do not adjust either to popular gossiping. I hate conflict and comparisons. I believe in a world of opposites and that’s why I avoid people with rigid and inflexible personalities. In friendship I dislike the lack of loyalty and betrayal. I do not get along with those who do not know how to give a compliment or a word of encouragement. Exaggerations bore me and I have difficulty accepting those who do not like animals. And on top of everything I have no patience for anyone who does not deserve my patience. ~Jose Micard Teixeira

And now the hard part, to take those words and make them mine because…yeah.


From Ripon’s Annual Color The Skies, 2014

noise cancelling shoes


They look like an ordinary pair of Asics running shoes but they aren’t. They are literally noise cancelling shoes…very well worn noise cancelling shoes because self care for me is the ability to walk…to run…miles and miles.

Remember all those half marathons and other races that I ran where I collected all those amazing medals after crossing the finish line?

What?

No?

You don’t?

Well, I do as I see all those once shiny, blingy medals every day collecting dust hanging out of sight in my walk-in closet. I hear them too as well as the ten of them that live in my closet clank against one another reminding me of what I did. What I can do. What has been literally my therapy for such a very long, long time.

I don’t run in half marathons anymore for many reasons. The biggest reason is I just can not afford to anymore. But I do still run. All the time. Any chance that I can.

Self mental health care.

But truth be told, the endorphins release is no longer enough. It hasn’t been for months and months. But I still run because I need to because it is something that I can do. Something that I can do now and do pretty well.

Years and years ago, after the birth of one of the many babies I birthed, I was being treated for post partum depression. My doctor wanted to add medication to my treatment but I refused for quite some time because I was breastfeeding my baby and I had concerns about the effect the meds might have on my nursing infant. Still the doctor pushed back. Finally I confessed that at that moment and every day I knew for sure the one thing that I could do right was feed my baby. Everything else I did, or didn’t do, was open for scrutiny and critique but feeding my baby was the one thing that only I could do and I did it very well. And so my doctor agreed.

Now I run. I have ran for over 4 years and have run a lot. Running for the dopamine release and running to cancel out the noise, the noise always in my head that mocks, jeers, derides, scoffs at anything I think or feel or do.

Today the noise was especially loud so I laced up these shoes and walked and ran and walked for what ended up being nearly ten miles because step by step, mile after mile, the noise was not there. Cancelled. I needed that noise to be out of my head today. Desperately so. So I ran longer than I had planned for.

Tomorrow I imagine that my body will hate me.

Oh well.

As for me I will be grateful for my noise cancelling shoes.

Oh, and for the kitty photo bomb too.

 

worth the postage


I got mail!

Kind of a minor thing to share on this blog that belongs to me considering the fact that most everyone gets mail…every day…well, Monday through Saturday. But yeah, I got mail that wasn’t bills or political ads or from the local car dealership with a key affixed to it assuring me that THIS KEY is the winner or even the Pennysaver.

Off topic but who doesn’t read through the Pennysaver now looking for an ad like Juno found after seeing Juno? Perhaps it’s just us here under The Big Top because Juno is one of the family all-time favorites.

But yeah, I got mail.

I know y’all care because here you are reading this post.

I got mail. Correspondence that reached out not offering quick fixes or a diagnosis because while maybe meaningful it isn’t helpful.

No.

Not at all.

Sorry.

No.

It’s okay. You’re not expected to understand. Understanding isn’t necessary. Nor is it expected especially knowing that no one else has lived in this skin during the months and perhaps years of struggle and hiding behind a concealing smile. How could anyone else understand if you’re not in this skin or this heart or this mind that is me?

Sometimes all that is needed are heartfelt expressions of love, lots of love that is real. Hugs are good too even when they are virtual…

and so very real.

I’m wrapped up in all of those virtual and real hugs from both of you right now.

Thank you!

I love you both!

I get mail; therefore I am!

~Scott Adams

 

my 100% track record


So far…yes, this.

Won’t lie, of late it has been wretchedly hard to maintain that 100% track record of mine. Thank goodness for the kind of people who do more than just offer the trite “let me know if I can help” bullshit then avoid you like the plague because that’s what happens with people in your circles when shit happens. It’s okay. I understand. I promise you that I’m not contagious.

Meanwhile, thank you Kari, Mike, Tori, Grace, Craig, Kim, Erika, Jenn and Brenda for little messages and reminders to hang in there. Thank you.

Thank you also my darling husband for just being patient and kind because more than anything that is what I need right now. Wait, I need hugs. I need lots of hugs. Thank you and thank goodness for Daniel and for Hollie sending Hazel and Fallon with hugs. Yeah, I know Hazel might be using these opportunities to get out of homework because 1st grade life is hard and Fallon is absolutely using the opportunity to get out of naps but those are mighty fine hugs and something to look forward to the next day, tomorrow, because yeah today is almost done.