shifted revolutions

Late one August night in 2001, I had an emotional crisis which my darling husband had to talk me down from and hug it out. My then youngest child, my sunshine-y, happy baby girl who was slumbering peacefully in the room next door was going to be starting kindergarten the next morning. No doubt she was having happy, sweet, sunshine-y dreams about her very first day of kindergarten because that was all that she chirped about as I bathed her, brushed her golden hair and tucked her into bed with kisses and hugs. She could not wait.

But me? I had resolved that she wouldn’t be starting kindergarten after all. That’s right. It was settled, I told my darling husband. Jodie would not be going to school.

But…Bill countered…she has to go to school.

No. No she does not. School will ruin her. Look what it has done to our 14 year old first born…a perfectly normal adolescent who would rather chew ground glass than hang out with mom and dad because

Oh my gawd! Mom! Dad! No!!

She used to love and adore us like the sun and the moon that rose and set for her every day. The she went to school.. It’s too late for her and Zoë and Abby but we can save this one. No school for her. I am the center of her universe. She is Mommy’s baby girl. She even still calls me Mommy. School willI ruin it all. No school for her.

I told you it was a crisis.

Bill obviously talked me out of it because Jodie did happily skip off to Miss Smith’s bright classroom the next morning. Our then teenager continued to put us through the paces but we all survived…as we have survived three more teenagers. And yes, the center of Jodie’s universe did shift as it did with all of my children.

Dammit school!

So now I start to adjust to the fact that my third circus clown has left The Big Top…and her empty room…and the even quieter circus tent…and remembering not to set a place for her at the table…and on and on… I’m going to be okay…I think…and then Laurie shares I was the sun, and the kids were my planets and…

Dammit!

:::SOB!!!:::

I’m a mess all over again because Beverly Beckham is right. When Hollie left the first time and then left the second time with Hazel and when Zoë left and now Jodie it has been the end.

I was the sun and they were the planets. And there was life on those planets, whirling, nonstop plans and parties and friends coming and going, and ideas and dreams and the phone ringing and doors slamming.

And I got to beam down on them. To watch. To glow.

And then they were gone, one after the other.

Yes, they do come back but it is never the same, noisy, chaotic, busy circus that was life under The Big Top when I was the sun and they were my planets.

life distracts

No apologies, just acknowledging that living life day to day sometimes will distract.

Doctors’ appointments and wondering what pediatrician’s office doesn’t have these germ encrusted toys that our kids always want to play with? Sorry, some things micro preemie moms just never let go even when their extremely premature baby is now a teenager.

Road trips…for more doctors’ office visits.

Exhausting they are…completely.

Back to school adventures begin and we pause wondering how in the world can she be in SECOND GRADE??!!

And how can she possibly be hundreds of miles from home starting college which includes a class studying Orange Is The New Black? She better ace that class. I mean it.

Then there’s work…

and laundry…yes, still…

Life distracts from taking the time to sit down and write about life and I offer no apology because life distracts…and because I have several loads of laundry waiting to be folded.

One would imagine that with only 2 of my 5 children remaining here under The Big Top that there would be so much less to juggle. One would be wrong.

Give me a sec to adjust this juggling act.

moving back to school

Yes, we are back from my sister’s wedding. Yes, it was absolutely wonderful! Yes, my sister was absolutely the loveliest bride. Yes, the whole family had a great time making great memories. Yes, there are pictures to share. No, I haven’t begun to sort and edit them. Yes, that means that I am not quite ready to share them all.

Patience.

I have some unpacking to finish and, of course, laundry too.

But first…

Daniel’s first day of school…two days after the official first day of school.

Seventh grade life, people!

I’m not sure what to think of this smile of his right now.

Seventh grade life, people!

Best thing about seventh grade so far? His 5th grade mainstream teacher is his 7th grade mainstream teacher. His homeroom teacher is hot. Instead of recess he has BRUNCH and BREAK because this is 7th grade, mom.

Oh, 7th grade life!

It’s going to be a good year.

And then there is this…

I cried just a little looking at all of this and more that is moving to Arizona with my baby girl mainly because I can’t be there to help her move in…and hover just a little…or perhaps a lot because this is my youngest daughter.

Zelda, after closer inspection, thinks this is pretty much bullshit…she’s taking the big fluffy pillows and comforter!!! Now what am I going to lie on while I nap in the warm morning sunshine??!! You can’t FaceTime fluffy pillows and bedding!

or her hugs that she so willingly gives all the time every day. You’re right, Zelda. This is bullshit.

Sigh!

I’m so excited for her next adventure but dammit, I’m going to miss her while she’s gone. ASU, you better be very good to my baby, my love, my heart, my joy!

not together, celebrating

Right after dropping Daniel off at school, I received a phone call from this beauty.

Happy anniversary, Mommy!

Awe! She remembered! Then again, how could she not since she crashed our anniversary party nineteen years ago today. Of course I wished her a very happy birthday because she remains my baby, my love, my heart, my joy…something that I have called her since the day that she was born.

So we are celebrating.

Celebrating that 32 years ago when this guy said let’s get married, I said okay. Even more so, given our misadventures that happened this past February, we are celebrating the fact that we get to celebrate 32 years together. Oh, and we get to celebrate the fact that time does not stand still as our darling daughter #4, Jodie Grace Wynonna, is now 19 years old!

Just not together today…for the first time…ever.

Weird.

I guess she is preparing me for when she moves to Arizona.

kids, here are 10 things I may or may not have told you

You made me cry…a lot

Hollie and me – 1987. No apologies for the hair and glasses because 1987.

I wanted that last piece of pie…cake…cookie

Hollie, Zoë and me, 1992. Yes, those are matching Christmas sweaters. A gift. Funny how my darling husband didn’t receive one.

It hurt.

Hollie, Zoë, Abby and me, 1994. One child might never forgive me for this picture.

I was always afraid…still am…don’t judge, especially if you are not my child.

Hollie, Zoë, Abby, Jodie and us, 1996. Apparently we didn’t realize just how busy we were then as people told us ALL THE TIME that “we must be busy.

I know that I am not perfect.

And the Family Circus is completed, 2002. Also the year where any doubts of me being a perfect Mother were solidly squashed. Have a teenager and you will understand.

I watched you as you slept…still do.

Hollie, 1990

I carried you a lot longer than nine months.

Zoë, 1998

It broke my heart every time you cried.

Abby, 1997

I put you first.

Jodie, 1999

I would do it all over again…times five…to the infinity power.

Daniel, 2008

Kids, I can’t begin to express my gratitude that I get to be your Mother, Mommy, Mom, times five…to infinity and beyond.

I thank you all for calling me Mama, Mommy, Mom, Mommy Dearest, OMG-Mom, Mother; and, thank you , for needing me, teaching me, forgiving me, loving me, accepting me, modeling me and, most of all, amazing me because I get to say that I am Mom to these five remarkable people.

BONUS!! I have to say that I must be a pretty okay mom because these two perfectly, exquisite children  call me Mima…and give the best hugs.