miles


This last weekend I hit a milestone. I have ran more than 3,000 miles in the last (almost) four years. 3,000 miles! I know! That’s like running coast to coast. I blame Kristen, Bill and Kari…especially Kari! Just kidding! Actually I am quite grateful to all of them for the friendship, the inspiration, the support and the whining…them putting up with MY whining. We have logged many miles together and apart but we were always connected and remain so. Running with them virtually and together broadened my circle of friends with Stephanie, Erica, Liz, Beth, Christina, Christine, Kale and so many more awesome people I’m sure I’m forgetting…go ahead and yell at me for forgetting, mmm-kay? But the circle grew even larger as I connected with local folks running like crazy…Linda, Row, Mac, Mike, Erika and Layla. I even reconnected with a high school classmate who I now count as a very, very dear friend thanks to running. Miles and miles of running together and not together connects us all in a way that one can not imagine unless they too are running. Perhaps it’s all those happy, happy endorphins…or maybe we are just a little bit crazy like non-running folk pronounce us to be. Who knows? But we are a close knit community. When one falls or is injured or must stop running we feel their pain and frustration. When one of us PRs we celebrate their amazing feat. We are a close-knit family thanks to all the miles we have all covered.

So when the bombs went off at the finish line of the Boston Marathon we were pained. No, we were struck down, maimed even. Many of us knew people running in Boston…and were following their run in a creepy-cool kind of way thanks to social media and electronic timing chips and we immediately checked to see where were they on the course. We then checked on our running friends who live in Boston but were not running. Sure, Boston is big city but Patriots’ Day and the Boston Marathon are a big, fat deal in their hometown. It’s a day to play and to celebrate. A huge sigh of relief was breathed knowing everyone we knew was okay. Still we felt the pain being broadcast for hours on end on Monday. Once again our country was attacked on a beautiful day by clearly someone or someones who truly have nothing but hate, mayhem and destruction on their agenda. The loss of life was nothing like 9-11…THANK GOD! Still, a life is a life and we can’t help but feel pain for the families of those three beautiful souls. As runners, we looked to who ended up being the victims that day…runners thisclose to the finish line, spectators cheering them on and looking for their own people to cross. Many of these innocents were family of runners- parents, husbands, wives, children, grandchildren, some were likely to be runners too, runners who just crossed the finish line and looking back for a friend who was still on the course somewhere or runners who were not running that day but were there to cheer on other runnersbecause we runners like to do that when we can’t run. And some were just people, random strangers there to cheer on these crazy running people…perhaps at the request of a friend 3,000 miles away from the finish line. They were all joined in the community of running, celebrating, enjoying a beautiful day together. And in an instant it was all blown up…literally. So many were injured, horribly disfigured for god only knows what evil reason. And the running community grieved perhaps as much as Boston has been. Our family was viciously attacked. How could we not grieve?

You see, the thing about us runners is that we are runners. We might not have qualified this year. We may have qualified but did not run. We may have been injured and unable to go. We may have never qualified (and given my granny pace, likely never will). But we are runners and Monday and every day since Monday, our hearts have been in Boston.

And since Monday, this family whom I belong to has united even more tightly. We are determined to reach out and love Boston, to share, to help, to give, to show our solidarity wearing our tech shirts from races past all week long and to run and keep on running…running more and more miles…all for Boston. And as we run, we are healing because those endorphins are epic stuff, yo!

The logistics of races will likely never be the same thanks to the evil that tried to destroy the Boston Marathon, but race we will continue to do. More miles. You just can not stop us from running more miles.

Just as President Obama predicted today I know for sure that “this time next year on the third Monday in April, the world will return to this great American city to run harder than ever and to cheer even louder for the 118th Boston Marathon.

Bet on it.”

the best thing


Passing the time in the dance studio while waiting on Jodie to finish teaching her class and Daniel to finish his hip hop class I did what I usually do.

Hello Twitter!

And while reading through my peoples tweets I came across this:

Good ol’ cousin Joe. No, we aren’t really related. Then again…perhaps…maybe…

But I digress…like I often do…Bill complains often how exhausting conversation with me can be because I go off on crazy tangents all the time.

Whatever!

Wait! What was I talking about?

Oh.

Yeah.

Cousin Joe wants to know what was the best thing that happened to me today.

I start to scroll through the answers other people share with him…

…holding new babies for the first time
…good news from the doctor, no cancer!
…hugs
…safe travels home
…band concerts
…praise from a student’s parents
…birthdays
…breakfast dates
…dinner dates
…ice cream dates
…song writing success

And then I try to think again what was the best thing that happened to me today…

I’m stumped.

No, it wasn’t a bad day or a horrible day or a dark day. It was just a day. A day where I took Jodie to school then took Daniel to school. It was a day where I sipped my coffee while watching the Cardinals take their oaths before they were to begin the papal selection process. Then I did the dishes and scrubbed the baseboards upstairs. I tried to explain to Abby why popes always seem to be really old guys; followed by a discussion of what I learned from Anatomy & Physiology. I wanted to ask her if perhaps she was reconsidering her plan to be the next E! reporter and on air personality and maybe following her mom into nursing but she had to go tanning.

Yeah.

Soon enough it was time to go pick up Jodie from school then pick up Daniel. Then there was homework and dinner prep and more homework followed by taking Daniel to hip hop class. On the way home from dance, I debated with Daniel the merits of taking a shower and washing every part of his body, including his hair.

Eleven year olds and hygiene is just too challenging…and no, it is not just a “boy thing”…trust me.

I help Daniel blow dry his hair then kiss him good night and here I am…trying to figure out what was the best thing that happened to me today.

…?…

Um…

Well my hair looked good.

There is that.

It is very important to look good when one is scrubbing baseboards, chauffering kids and working on 4th grade homework.

Too shallow?

Sorry, Cousin Joe. Today my life was boring. Perhaps THAT is the best thing about today.

and today the sun shines


It has been pretty dark around here. I’ve been pretty dark. I know I have been scaring my kids and my darling husband a little. I know that because I know how I felt growing up watching my own Mommy Dearest slump into her darkest days.

My darkest moment earlier this week came when as I was gathering all the information the IRS is demanding from us, I could almost hear Mr. Potter’s voice in my head…the part where he looks at George Bailey and says “You’re worth more dead than alive!” That was a scary thought rambling around in my head. And as it crossed my mind so did the memories of the times when my Mommy Dearest would have the strength to get up. Too many times as a child I bore witness to her unsuccessful attempts on her own life. I don’t ever doubt the pain she was in or the hopelessness that she felt. Still while I love her so (in spite of what my brother and sister believe) I have never been able to reconcile those acts. Becoming a mother really made it impossible for me to do so. No matter how dark and hopeless and worthless I might feel, I look to my darling husband, my five beautiful circus clowns…my greatest achievements ever... and my gorgeous grandbabies and well, I see just how wonderful my life is because of them…in spite of my fears, my anxieties, my depths of despair.

How lucky am I?

I can not turn away from such wonderfulness…not ever.

Then there are the friends, old and new, acquaintances and people whom I have never, ever met, but have had conversations with who have reached out. It all overwhelms me in a good way…in a very good way. So like George Bailey, I see light as I realize in spite of what is most definitely an impossible situation, I am surrounded by a lot of love and am indeed enjoying a wonderful life.

I won’t lie, it would be even better if y’all had showed up with baskets and baskets of money…unless you are coming over later.

Are you?

Regardless, it is a wonderful life and I promise that I am working hard to appreciate that and to enjoy every minute of it.

looking through Oz colored glasses


Struggling…struggling much, much too hard here. Since receiving news Friday that will gravely affect our finances, our Big Top, our family, our ability to care for our family, I have become unbelievably overwhelmed…

and crying a lot…

and sleepless…

and literally shaky…

and not hungry…

and on and on.

I’m already barely hanging on with depression and anxiety that my former family doctor was certain I could fix with hypnosis. Hormone therapy and running (oh thank glob for running!) keeps me going as does my circus clowns but Friday I was knocked down…knocked down hard. Getting up earlier this week I was knocked down even harder trying to solve our problems because the care and feeding and housing of my family does not matter much at all when The Man demands that which you don’t have…right now! Miss Hardy of the IRS made that very clear to me. Prove your hardship. Prove that you must house and clothe and feed your circus act and then maybe we won’t take away all your money that you can barely live on paycheck to paycheck is what she told me. In the meantime, it belongs to The Man.

I felt as if I could not breathe. And then for almost an hour I went to a very, very dark place inside myself. It froze me. I felt as if I was encased in concrete or perhaps frozen in carbonite. Frozen in that dark place, I have never felt so hopeless, so demoralized, so unable to do anything…except that which my mind seemed to be telling me I must do. It was such a scary idea in my mind.

Yeah, I could very well be having a nervous breakdown. Aren’t you glad I am oversharing that?

Sorry. I just can’t help myself.

I need help.

Desperately so, I know…and no, Dr. Assdale, I don’t imagine that hypnosis is what I need.

But first I must fill out this damn 433F form, as well as 656 Form and then call back Miss Hardy and beg for a little grace…grace I certainly don’t deserve but dammit my family does!

I can’t wait to call her back because I know I can not emotionally and physically take verbal insults and abuse from her again.

But I have to. I must. I have no other choice.

But before I do, I took a break…a brief break, but a very much needed break and journeyed to Oz with Jodie.

Looking through these Oz colored glasses while enjoying a sneak preview of Oz, The Great and Powerful was a much needed balm. An oh-so, but desperately required respite before I completely fall apart and actually listen to that voice in that very dark place.

Don’t worry, I won’t listen to that voice, not ever. I guess that is one good thing Mommy Dearest taught me by doing…to herself…repeatedly…when I was just a child. Actually I credit my circus clowns who call me away, distract me, love me and hold on to me so tightly.

The movie? I enjoyed it. I’ll share a review later. But first I must finish filling out those forms and then prepare to call Miss Hardy back.

If you pray or think good thoughts or light candles or are into voodoo I need all of it desperately.

Thank you.

post-partum snark


Hurray for awards season! Time to let our clever snark fly on down the Red Carpet because who better to do that than those of us who cares (or doesn’t care) who wore who than us plain folk who likely will never, ever walk down a Red Carpet someday…

although I am counting on Jon Walkup getting nominated for an Academy Award and remembering that he promised me that I could come to cheer him on. Sure that honor should go to his mom, but I did ask…on Twitter no less.

But yes, the stars are walking the Red Carpet and we are calling them like we see them. I was cool with it until I saw on Facebook last night this photo of the lovely Claire Danes with the caption,

Six weeks postpartum. Fuck you, Claire Danes. Fuck you.

What followed was 326 comments of nothing but snark and post-partum haters hating new mother Claire Danes for being a skinny woman just six weeks after birthing her baby boy. Soon followed the arguments that it was easy for her with an army of nannies, doctors, nutritionists, cooks and personal trainers…an army of them…as well as the fact that she was breastfeeding and she is a skinny bitch anyway. Then the counter arguments joined in pointing out through proper diet and exercise before during and after pregnancy or good genes or (glob forbid!) hard work we too can return to our pre-pregnant body just six weeks after giving birth!

Um yeah!

Oh the mommy hate was hot! Of course the intent of the original poster was sarcasm and humor, very snarky humor, because we mommies love snarky humor (especially when it is not directed at us) but it very much back-fired and a whole lot of mommies did get their panties all up in a wad.

Surprised?

Really?

I would have loved to join in offering my own opinions. I’ve been pregnant a few times and have given birth a few times as well. I wanted to offer that although it didn’t take me six weeks to lose the pregnancy weight…because it took more than six weeks to put it on…I did bounce back.

Take that the haters who proclaimed that I was going to get fat after I happily announced each pregnancy!

And double take that for making the same declarations when my first born daughter announced her own pregnancies!

I almost offered that I did bounce back to my pre-pregnant self…but I didn’t…bounce back to my pre-pregnant self…because I WAS pregnant. How could my body possibly morph back into a body that never, ever was pregnant when I was pregnant? I did indeed regain my shape, albeit a little curvier, but no, I did not get fat…sorry. But I, just like EVERY SINGLE WOMAN WHO HAS EVER BEEN PREGNANT AND HAS GIVEN BIRTH, did not return to the woman I was physically, mentally or emotionally before I was pregnant. I was changed, as is every other woman…just as is beautiful, skinnier-than-me Claire Danes.

Hate her dress.

Wonder what was up with her hair.

But mothers let’s not hate on the other mothers…whether they have the imagined army of nannies, doctors, dieticians, cooks and personal trainers, or wear their size 3 before baby skinny jeans home from the hospital while they cradle their beautiful newborn in their skinny arms or find theirselves counting Weight Watchers Points and squeezing into spanx and lycra’d yoga pants six or twelve or fifteen years after they gave birth to their baby. We did something pretty phenomenal and amazing…

we are so crafty…

we made people…

and we have the gorgeous bodies…

skinny, fat, curvy, straight, muscular…

to prove it.