Category Archives: sucks to be me

on the first week of summer vacation my mommy gave to me…

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Title of this blog post should be sung to the tune of Twelve Days of Christmas if you choose.

On the first week of summer vacation mommy gave…

her nasty, raging, snotty cold that for her became a pretty bad sinus infection. Really I tried not to share my sickie germs with anyone. I washed my hands raw…as a NICU nurse does. I quarantined myself as much as possible yet five members of my circus act managed to get sick and were in a pretty bad way over the Memorial Day weekend. They’re blaming me…of course they are. Never mind that it seems that pretty much everyone here in my neck of the woods is suffering from the colds and flu season’s last gasp of just one more nasty virus. This, my friends, is all on me as far as my clowns are concerned.

Whatever!

the best thing

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Passing the time in the dance studio while waiting on Jodie to finish teaching her class and Daniel to finish his hip hop class I did what I usually do.

Hello Twitter!

And while reading through my peoples tweets I came across this:

Good ol’ cousin Joe. No, we aren’t really related. Then again…perhaps…maybe…

But I digress…like I often do…Bill complains often how exhausting conversation with me can be because I go off on crazy tangents all the time.

Whatever!

Wait! What was I talking about?

Oh.

Yeah.

Cousin Joe wants to know what was the best thing that happened to me today.

I start to scroll through the answers other people share with him…

…holding new babies for the first time
…good news from the doctor, no cancer!
…hugs
…safe travels home
…band concerts
…praise from a student’s parents
…birthdays
…breakfast dates
…dinner dates
…ice cream dates
…song writing success

And then I try to think again what was the best thing that happened to me today…

I’m stumped.

No, it wasn’t a bad day or a horrible day or a dark day. It was just a day. A day where I took Jodie to school then took Daniel to school. It was a day where I sipped my coffee while watching the Cardinals take their oaths before they were to begin the papal selection process. Then I did the dishes and scrubbed the baseboards upstairs. I tried to explain to Abby why popes always seem to be really old guys; followed by a discussion of what I learned from Anatomy & Physiology. I wanted to ask her if perhaps she was reconsidering her plan to be the next E! reporter and on air personality and maybe following her mom into nursing but she had to go tanning.

Yeah.

Soon enough it was time to go pick up Jodie from school then pick up Daniel. Then there was homework and dinner prep and more homework followed by taking Daniel to hip hop class. On the way home from dance, I debated with Daniel the merits of taking a shower and washing every part of his body, including his hair.

Eleven year olds and hygiene is just too challenging…and no, it is not just a “boy thing”…trust me.

I help Daniel blow dry his hair then kiss him good night and here I am…trying to figure out what was the best thing that happened to me today.

…?…

Um…

Well my hair looked good.

There is that.

It is very important to look good when one is scrubbing baseboards, chauffering kids and working on 4th grade homework.

Too shallow?

Sorry, Cousin Joe. Today my life was boring. Perhaps THAT is the best thing about today.

looking through Oz colored glasses

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Struggling…struggling much, much too hard here. Since receiving news Friday that will gravely affect our finances, our Big Top, our family, our ability to care for our family, I have become unbelievably overwhelmed…

and crying a lot…

and sleepless…

and literally shaky…

and not hungry…

and on and on.

I’m already barely hanging on with depression and anxiety that my former family doctor was certain I could fix with hypnosis. Hormone therapy and running (oh thank glob for running!) keeps me going as does my circus clowns but Friday I was knocked down…knocked down hard. Getting up earlier this week I was knocked down even harder trying to solve our problems because the care and feeding and housing of my family does not matter much at all when The Man demands that which you don’t have…right now! Miss Hardy of the IRS made that very clear to me. Prove your hardship. Prove that you must house and clothe and feed your circus act and then maybe we won’t take away all your money that you can barely live on paycheck to paycheck is what she told me. In the meantime, it belongs to The Man.

I felt as if I could not breathe. And then for almost an hour I went to a very, very dark place inside myself. It froze me. I felt as if I was encased in concrete or perhaps frozen in carbonite. Frozen in that dark place, I have never felt so hopeless, so demoralized, so unable to do anything…except that which my mind seemed to be telling me I must do. It was such a scary idea in my mind.

Yeah, I could very well be having a nervous breakdown. Aren’t you glad I am oversharing that?

Sorry. I just can’t help myself.

I need help.

Desperately so, I know…and no, Dr. Assdale, I don’t imagine that hypnosis is what I need.

But first I must fill out this damn 433F form, as well as 656 Form and then call back Miss Hardy and beg for a little grace…grace I certainly don’t deserve but dammit my family does!

I can’t wait to call her back because I know I can not emotionally and physically take verbal insults and abuse from her again.

But I have to. I must. I have no other choice.

But before I do, I took a break…a brief break, but a very much needed break and journeyed to Oz with Jodie.

Looking through these Oz colored glasses while enjoying a sneak preview of Oz, The Great and Powerful was a much needed balm. An oh-so, but desperately required respite before I completely fall apart and actually listen to that voice in that very dark place.

Don’t worry, I won’t listen to that voice, not ever. I guess that is one good thing Mommy Dearest taught me by doing…to herself…repeatedly…when I was just a child. Actually I credit my circus clowns who call me away, distract me, love me and hold on to me so tightly.

The movie? I enjoyed it. I’ll share a review later. But first I must finish filling out those forms and then prepare to call Miss Hardy back.

If you pray or think good thoughts or light candles or are into voodoo I need all of it desperately.

Thank you.

it’s not like we exchanged marriage vows

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Now when I said that my word for 2013 was EMBRACE I certainly did not mean, dear 2013, to throw as much stinky crap at me as you could in the FIRST FREAKING WEEK!

HONESTLY!

Sickies, cash flow problems, cars breaking down right after the holidays creating more cash flow problems with bills due NOW, family drama and trauma, more sickies with snot…lots of snot and fevers and aches and pains and coughing and headaches, tears…a lot of tears, throw in a snooty customer service rep from a certain online retail site who points out to you after THEY cancel an order that, according to email from them, was being shipped to you, that perhaps if you had ordered the combat boots you need back in October or November when they carried a FULL AND COMPLETE inventory you would have the combat boots you desperately need for your dancer’s competition dance as if you actually had KNOWN what faux combat boots your dancer would need back before the holidays…

:::SNORT!::::

AS IF INDEED!

Seriously 2013?

It’s not like we exchanged marriage vows promising all kinds of crazy love through sickness and bad times and poor times and frustrating times…

Er…did we?

At least I don’t think we did.

You know that I am already married, right? Celebrating THIRTY YEARS with my darling husband this May.

I KNOW!

I still intend to honor my plan to EMBRACE this year but hey, 2013, lighten up just a little bit…please. At least while I am under the influence of this Dayquil/Nyquil cocktail.

Love and hugs,

Me.

before the wind and rains and fog and tears

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Christmas was good.

It was very good.

It’s been what seems like a long while since we had a Christmas where wishes came true. I wanted that. I wanted that more than anything because, well, I want to feel happy. And I want my circus to feel happy too. Yes, I know that happiness is not found in things. They know that too. But they also know that happiness is hard to find when weighed down with mom’s anxiety and depression.

It is seriously a heavy anchor that weighs the entire circus down. So mommy guilt kicked into high gear this Christmas with the hopes of making some wishes come true.

     

The laughter, the smiles, the hugs, the dancing around the Big Top was so wonderful. I wish, I hope and I pray that when my darling family looks back on this day this is what they remember well.

Forget mom’s emotional breakdown that ended the day.

Please.

I love you all.