because doing your taxes (or your kids’) isn’t nearly hard enough

Arrrggghhh!!!!

Tax filing season! It’s got to be done, whether I want to or not. FAFSAs have been filed and well, mom and dad’s tax returns are needed to complete that little bit of fun. So receipts and papers are gathered and tax prep program purchased and ready to download…

Four and a half hours later….

still trying to download…

then thirty more minutes pass and there is this.

WTF???!!!

I seriously wanted to cry.

I did cry just a little.

Who cares about FAFSAs and taxes I know that we will owe and helping the kids file their EZ taxes.

Who the heck cares about any of that?!

This screen makes me want to cry.

My picture files….

My ancient, slower than my granny paced running time laptop with my precious picture files and my writing and, and, and, and…

:::SOB!!!:::

I shut down the computer, wait a minute or two, or more then restart it and…

pray….

Please, oh please, please, please, please….

It takes forever to turn on and start because this laptop is old and decrepit. Hazel wasn’t  even born yet when this laptop was fired up for the first time.

Finally!

It’s up and running.

I spent the rest of the evening before dinner backing up over 7,000 picture files from 2013 and the first two months of 2014 onto my external hard drive because…priorities, people!

Then after dinner I try one more time to download the tax prep program and…

…twenty minutes later it is downloaded, up and running and ready to prepare the taxes here under the Big Top. And I am a quivering, Jello-like mass of feelings and stress and tears.

So much for a tax prep program that wants me to be comfortable when filing my taxes.

The taxes will have to wait for another day.

looking through Oz colored glasses

Struggling…struggling much, much too hard here. Since receiving news Friday that will gravely affect our finances, our Big Top, our family, our ability to care for our family, I have become unbelievably overwhelmed…

and crying a lot…

and sleepless…

and literally shaky…

and not hungry…

and on and on.

I’m already barely hanging on with depression and anxiety that my former family doctor was certain I could fix with hypnosis. Hormone therapy and running (oh thank glob for running!) keeps me going as does my circus clowns but Friday I was knocked down…knocked down hard. Getting up earlier this week I was knocked down even harder trying to solve our problems because the care and feeding and housing of my family does not matter much at all when The Man demands that which you don’t have…right now! Miss Hardy of the IRS made that very clear to me. Prove your hardship. Prove that you must house and clothe and feed your circus act and then maybe we won’t take away all your money that you can barely live on paycheck to paycheck is what she told me. In the meantime, it belongs to The Man.

I felt as if I could not breathe. And then for almost an hour I went to a very, very dark place inside myself. It froze me. I felt as if I was encased in concrete or perhaps frozen in carbonite. Frozen in that dark place, I have never felt so hopeless, so demoralized, so unable to do anything…except that which my mind seemed to be telling me I must do. It was such a scary idea in my mind.

Yeah, I could very well be having a nervous breakdown. Aren’t you glad I am oversharing that?

Sorry. I just can’t help myself.

I need help.

Desperately so, I know…and no, Dr. Assdale, I don’t imagine that hypnosis is what I need.

But first I must fill out this damn 433F form, as well as 656 Form and then call back Miss Hardy and beg for a little grace…grace I certainly don’t deserve but dammit my family does!

I can’t wait to call her back because I know I can not emotionally and physically take verbal insults and abuse from her again.

But I have to. I must. I have no other choice.

But before I do, I took a break…a brief break, but a very much needed break and journeyed to Oz with Jodie.

Looking through these Oz colored glasses while enjoying a sneak preview of Oz, The Great and Powerful was a much needed balm. An oh-so, but desperately required respite before I completely fall apart and actually listen to that voice in that very dark place.

Don’t worry, I won’t listen to that voice, not ever. I guess that is one good thing Mommy Dearest taught me by doing…to herself…repeatedly…when I was just a child. Actually I credit my circus clowns who call me away, distract me, love me and hold on to me so tightly.

The movie? I enjoyed it. I’ll share a review later. But first I must finish filling out those forms and then prepare to call Miss Hardy back.

If you pray or think good thoughts or light candles or are into voodoo I need all of it desperately.

Thank you.

Tuesday Thoughts and Celebrations

  • At last! The Big Top taxes are done and ready to send. I would say let’s celebrate but I don’t have the $ to throw a party. The government does.
  • The project for work is also complete and sent on it’s merry way as well. Yes, I will celebrate that one
  • More donations for our WalkAmerica TeamDaniel effort are coming in. You guys are so generous and really rock. Thanks mucho! You can still join us, it’s not too late.
  • So much already has been said about the tragic events in Virginia yesterday. I feel kind of detached from it all because I was sleeping Monday (after working Sunday night) as the events unfolded on tv. Perhaps that is a blessing as it seems when senseless things like this take place it becomes the only thing one can watch. I know because I found myself unable to look away before. Still, I am horrified and my heart is breaking for the family and friends of the victims. I am so sorry and I am praying.
  • No word yet from my doctor on that lovely lady lump of mine. I could say that no news is good news but the lump is still there in the mammogram pictures that were taken on April 4th and six months prior.
  • Today I find myself doing something that I could not imagine happening…registering Daniel for kindergarten! It seems so surreal to reach this milestone when it seems like just a blink of and eye ago that Daniel was this small when he was a little over 2 months old…and even smaller and fighting just survive. We did not speak of kindergarten registration then much less anything else in the future. There is no future for a micro-preemie while in the NICU. There is only day to day survival and a lot of waiting for time to decide the ultimate fate of babies the size of a can of soda.

After a lot of stressing on my part, praying, discussion with Bill, Daniel’s teachers, his pediatrician and other respected experts, I have accepted that kindergarten is the next step for our amazing little man. He will be attending Special Day Class Kindergarten (another way to say special ed). The challenge now is to find the right fit for Daniel. As always, the little guy is in the gray area when it comes to disability and impairment. In other words he is too good and too smart for his own good. He is not quite ready for mainstream but he is when he is tested he also is not quite impaired enough. Thankfully, his education team is on his side and ready to fight to help us get what he needs to continue to be, in the words of Dr. Eddie Alderette, a successful micro-preemie. One option just opened up and I am really keeping my fingers crossed and praying for this one. A new SDC kindergarten program is starting at the school Abby and Jodie go to. It is focused strictly on kindergarten rather than K-3 grades as other programs in the district are, which means Daniel would be with kids his own age and level. It also means that the short bus won’t be stopping at our house next year. I would so love to be able to have Jodie and Daniel at the same school. The only road block to this option is it seems that my boy is just a little too verbal, a little too smart on paper and in class. Ultimately it depends on how he performs when he is tested in the next couple of weeks. Until then I am registering my youngest child for kindergarten today.
WOW!
I’m definitely celebrating this one.

My wish is for more tiny babies like Daniel to have this day come for them. Support the March of Dimes’ WalkAmerica and TeamDaniel.