so fancy


Every day this week, and pretty much every single time she crosses the street to come to The Big Top, Fallon is all dressed up.

Dude.

She’s so fancy…

You already know.

Fancy Fallon I call her. Fancy for short.

Every day she comes to say hello all dressed up in her OOTD (outfit of the day for you who do not know), a dress, always a dress with cute shoes (honey please!) and other accessories because she is so fancy.

Fancy Fallon.

Fancy for short if she really likes you.

She really likes me.

 

 

noise cancelling shoes


They look like an ordinary pair of Asics running shoes but they aren’t. They are literally noise cancelling shoes…very well worn noise cancelling shoes because self care for me is the ability to walk…to run…miles and miles.

Remember all those half marathons and other races that I ran where I collected all those amazing medals after crossing the finish line?

What?

No?

You don’t?

Well, I do as I see all those once shiny, blingy medals every day collecting dust hanging out of sight in my walk-in closet. I hear them too as well as the ten of them that live in my closet clank against one another reminding me of what I did. What I can do. What has been literally my therapy for such a very long, long time.

I don’t run in half marathons anymore for many reasons. The biggest reason is I just can not afford to anymore. But I do still run. All the time. Any chance that I can.

Self mental health care.

But truth be told, the endorphins release is no longer enough. It hasn’t been for months and months. But I still run because I need to because it is something that I can do. Something that I can do now and do pretty well.

Years and years ago, after the birth of one of the many babies I birthed, I was being treated for post partum depression. My doctor wanted to add medication to my treatment but I refused for quite some time because I was breastfeeding my baby and I had concerns about the effect the meds might have on my nursing infant. Still the doctor pushed back. Finally I confessed that at that moment and every day I knew for sure the one thing that I could do right was feed my baby. Everything else I did, or didn’t do, was open for scrutiny and critique but feeding my baby was the one thing that only I could do and I did it very well. And so my doctor agreed.

Now I run. I have ran for over 4 years and have run a lot. Running for the dopamine release and running to cancel out the noise, the noise always in my head that mocks, jeers, derides, scoffs at anything I think or feel or do.

Today the noise was especially loud so I laced up these shoes and walked and ran and walked for what ended up being nearly ten miles because step by step, mile after mile, the noise was not there. Cancelled. I needed that noise to be out of my head today. Desperately so. So I ran longer than I had planned for.

Tomorrow I imagine that my body will hate me.

Oh well.

As for me I will be grateful for my noise cancelling shoes.

Oh, and for the kitty photo bomb too.

 

worth the postage


I got mail!

Kind of a minor thing to share on this blog that belongs to me considering the fact that most everyone gets mail…every day…well, Monday through Saturday. But yeah, I got mail that wasn’t bills or political ads or from the local car dealership with a key affixed to it assuring me that THIS KEY is the winner or even the Pennysaver.

Off topic but who doesn’t read through the Pennysaver now looking for an ad like Juno found after seeing Juno? Perhaps it’s just us here under The Big Top because Juno is one of the family all-time favorites.

But yeah, I got mail.

I know y’all care because here you are reading this post.

I got mail. Correspondence that reached out not offering quick fixes or a diagnosis because while maybe meaningful it isn’t helpful.

No.

Not at all.

Sorry.

No.

It’s okay. You’re not expected to understand. Understanding isn’t necessary. Nor is it expected especially knowing that no one else has lived in this skin during the months and perhaps years of struggle and hiding behind a concealing smile. How could anyone else understand if you’re not in this skin or this heart or this mind that is me?

Sometimes all that is needed are heartfelt expressions of love, lots of love that is real. Hugs are good too even when they are virtual…

and so very real.

I’m wrapped up in all of those virtual and real hugs from both of you right now.

Thank you!

I love you both!

I get mail; therefore I am!

~Scott Adams

 

last week and four years ago today


So last week my son in law was kind of a very big deal…

Because attending night school and then graduating with honors while working a full time job and, with your lovely bride, raising and caring for your 2 year old and 6 year old daughters is absolutely, positively a very big deal.

And this picture perfect family moment would not have happened last week were it not for this picture perfect moment that happened four years ago today.

Happy Anniversary Hollie and Ben!

And because I for one never, ever tire of the magic of that wonderful wedding…and I am a giver…

word search Wednesdays


What kind of mother would let their kid do his word search spelling/vocabulary homework without offering help?

This kid’s mama!

Some people can look at the jumble of letters in a word search puzzle and see all the words.

:::waving:::

And some people just see nothing but a jumble of letters all mashed together.

Daniel, wave hello.

It’s okay. Except the boy hates Word Search Wednesday. He hates it especially when no one else is around to help like any of his sisters or his dad or even Zelda because he is then forcedforced, I tell you, to check line by line, letter by letter to find the ten words that he is searching for.

Madness! Absolute madness!

It’s unbelievable how long it takes him to complete this homework assignment every Wednesday.

And then his dad walks into The Big Top coming home from work, hugs the boy hello and points at his paper at the very last word that Daniel has been painfully searching for for the last seven minutes.

Well at least he found the other nine all on his own.