Tag Archives: medicine

thank you Dr. A$$dale

Posted on by

We join our heroine in a doctor’s exam room…

Doctor: Your blood pressure seems to be slightly elevated. It is still well within normal limits but for you it is elevated.

Patient: Perhaps waiting an hour for my scheduled appointment and thinking of all the things I could be doing with my time might have contributed. Or maybe watching a toddler terrorist named Savannah tear up the waiting room while her mommy did pretty much nothing…oh wait, she did change Savannah’s poopy diaper in the waiting room. That was wonderful!

Doctor: I can see why your blood pressure might be a little bit elevated.

Patient: (rolls her eyes)

Doctor: (as he completes his physical exam) So are there any questions?

Patient: Well yes. I’m having a very hard time with menopausal symptoms.

Doctor: (smiling benevolently in a Mitt Romney-esque, creepy way) I hear it can be difficult. When was your last period?

Patient: Fourteen months ago.

Doctor: Well I guess we can declare that you have officially entered into menopause. (again with the smile)

Patient: Yes. The problem is my symptoms have increased exponentially. It is hard to function at times because the hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, mood changes, and others are becoming so much more difficult to cope with. I’ve tried over the counter treatments but the symptoms seem so much more worse the last couple of months. I read that this can continue for years after menopause and I am wondering what, if anything can I do to help alleviate some of this.

Doctor: Yes, it is true. All of those and more can last for years. Unfortunately with your family history hormone replacement therapy is contraindicated. I know it’s hard but hang in there. (more benevolent smiling)

Patient: Gee, it sure is great being a girl!

Doctor: (laughs) Speaking of your family history, it is time to schedule your mammogram.

Patient: Goody!

Doctor: Is there anything else I can help you with?

Patient: Yes. Panic attacks.

Doctor: Panic attacks? What are you panicking about?

Patient: I’m not sure. They are totally irrational but overwhelming. I know there is no valid reason for the feelings when they happen but they overtake me. I can’t breathe. My heart races uncontrollably. It has gotten to the point I can’t go places with my family.

Doctor: Why not?

Patient: I don’t know! I told you it is completely irrational but it is happening. I’ve tried various coping techniques…relaxation exercises, breathing techniques, distraction, self hypnosis…they just aren’t helping. It’s getting progressively worse and it is affecting my family. Is there something I can do…something I can take to relieve the overwhelming anxiety?

Doctor: No.

Patient: No?

Doctor: No. I don’t want to prescribe anything that would impair you or could be addictive.

(says the doctor who prescribes Vicodin like m&m’s because I have a stash of Vicodin to prove it)

Doctor: Perhaps you should try hypnosis.

Patient: Because self-hypnosis hasn’t worked?

Doctor: Yes. Hypnosis will fix your anxieties.

Patient: Where can I find a person that can do this?

Doctor: I don’t know. Maybe check the yellow pages. Well, I guess I will see you in about eight weeks to go over the results of your mammogram. Okay?

Patient: No.

Doctor: No?

Patient: Thank you, Dr. A$$dale, but no. You’re fired!

making an adventure

Posted on by

Daniel was back in Madera this week for another growth hormone study…finally. The first one back in November proved to be inconclusive, at least according to the insurance gods, because several samples of his blood had hemolyzed and could not be tested. Those samples that were tested proved to indicate the boy needs HGH therapy…to us, not to the insurance gods. So, after much discussion, with his endocrinologist, we decided to try the growth hormone study one more time. Last time, his blood pressure bottomed out which was just a little bit worrisome so the doc decided to eliminate one of meds usually used during the procedure and to double up his IV fluids. And so we scheduled the procedure in May a week before his usual visit with the endocrinologist so that we could go over the results and hopefully start our summer on HGH.

But life happens and we had to reschedule.

Of course the doctor doesn’t really care that life happens and made sure that I knew how disappointed she was that I let life get in the way.

Whatever…

I have now decided that the merry month of May this year just sucked a little too much since I couldn’t seem to make most folks happy…because apparently that is my job. So screw you May 2012. I am so glad you are over!

Moving on…

Daniel, healthy now after his phantom bronchitis, was ready this week for his Growth Hormone Study redux and we decided to make an adventure of it because…why not?! Right?!

Madera welcomed us.

But we were warned against the always fun sport of elevator jumping…darn it all to heck!

The room and the hotel itself proved to be quite the cool and relaxing respite from the hot, dusty little town of Madera. So we forgave the no jumping in the elevator rule.

Hopefully the hotel management didn’t notice the entourage we traveled with considering the room was only booked for two. Daniel is the one who got all of his friends settled in. He is such a good friend…and a friendly guy who made a few friends including a boy named Karmack from Denver on vacation here in California…

…a big black bear…

…and four of Madera’s finest.

After getting just a little bit chocolate wasted at the Black Bear Diner

and some fun in the hotel pool,

it was time to get some sleep. 7:30 AM would come pretty quick.

Just another patiently waiting patient at Children’s Hospital Central California. Have I mentioned before how much I like this place? I do. The staff…everyone there are so kind and go out of their way to make you feel welcome, comfortable and relaxed…because being in a big children’s hospital with your child is so not comfortable and relaxing. Daniel had the same nurse who remembered him well.

The test this time only took four hours with no low blood pressure issues.

Hurray for that!

And now we wait to hear whether or not the blood samples drawn every 30 minutes during the four hour long procedure are good and what the results are. But regardless of the results and whether or not the insurance gods are satisfied and agree to pay for HGH therapy, we made some memories on our little adventure in Madera.

Worth it.

Well worth it.

I should know better, I do know better

Posted on by

I consulted Dr. Google tonight. Yes, that very thing I tell my patients’ families NOT to do. I did it.I tell parents not to because it will only scare the living bejeebus out of you.

It does.

It will.

Don’t do it.

Still I consulted Dr. Google tonight.

Daniel has had a fever since Sunday. A holy hell why is it so high kind of fever since Sunday.

Last night it spiked up to 104.6º Farenheit and yes, I said to myself, “WTF?! Why is this fever so high?” Then I answered myself, it’s a virus…you know, sudden onset and all that…has to be a virus which means there’s not much we can do except try to alleviate the symptoms, er, symptom. All he has had is this fever, this crazy, stupid fever.  The boy has no other physical complaints and he has his appetite.Check that. He has a rather huge appetite…more than his normal appetite.

What’;s going on here?

Then this afternoon, the fever broke…for three whole hours. But by dinner time it was back up to 101.3º.

WHY???

So, because the doctor’s office closed at 5PM, I consult with Dr. Google.

I should know better.

I DO know better.

I came thisclose to rushing off to the hospital ready to demand a full workup. But first, dinner because the boy was hungry. And he ate a chicken taco and a bunch of grapes; and he guzzled two glasses of pink lemonade.

An hour later, his temp spiked back up to 104.1.

We’re seeing the pediatrician first thing tomorrow. I’m sure that either (a) she will tell me it is a virus and I just need to let it run its course or (b) he will be completely fever-free and remain so. Meanwhile I am alternating ibuprofen and tylenol doses every four hours.

And I am totally firing Dr. Google.

the new hunger games

Posted on by

In this news this week…and pissing me off on so many different levels… is the K-E Diet for the blushing bride-to-be who desperately wants to lose 5, 10 or even 20 pounds in just 10 days…no exercise necessary. All you have to do is have a doctor insert a NG tube (naso-gastric tube) into your nose, down your throat, through your esophagus and into your stomach. The tube will be taped securely to your face and attached to a feeding pump that will slowly drip a unique 800 calories/day formula of protein, fats and water.

“It is a hunger-free, effective way of dieting,” Di Pietro said. “Within a few hours and your hunger and appetite go away completely, so patients are actually not hungry at all for the whole 10 days. That’s what is so amazing about this diet.”

Slipping into a wedding gown for a dream wedding is a moment of truth for most brides, but as many say that there is a real fear that it will not quite fit. That’s how Jessica Schnaider says she felt with a June wedding approaching and 10 pounds she says she couldn’t lose. She was desperate for a quick fix.

“I don’t have all of the time on the planet just to focus an hour and a half a day to exercise so I came to the doctor, I saw the diet, and I said, ‘You know what? Why not? Let me try it. So I decided to go ahead and give it a shot,” she said.

I watched this news report sitting next to my son, Daniel…you know, the kid who was fed by feeding tubes the first four years of his life. The kid who could not, would not take food by mouth for those years for so many different reasons…medical and otherwise. The kid who had to learn how to safely chew and swallow food protecting his airway because his left vocal cord is paralyzed. Yeah, THAT KID! He shook his head, while watching this report, and asked why would anyone do that to themselves on purpose…if they didn’t have to. “That is so dumb!”, he declared. And bad mommy that I am, I didn’t chide him for judging someone so harshly…because he is right. He is so very right. Yeah, Jessica Schnaider, my ten year old son thinks you are dumb.

I get the pressure some women put on themselves to achieve an impossible ideal…sort of…kind of. I get the desire for a quick fix that does not involve sensible dieting and exercising…god forbid a bride-to-be actually WORK AND SWEAT to be physically something she really isn’t…something that her fiance did not fall in love with. I do. Or at least I try to imagine what would drive a woman to do this for no other reason than to be skinnier. Okay, fine! I DON’T get it. Not. At. All.

My precious child was fed by an ng tube for most of the 132 days he spent in the NICU. It was only the last three weeks of his NICU stay that he was able, with great difficulty, to take infant formula by a bottle to satisfy his neonatologists who directed his care. But just two months after discharge he abruptly stopped and refused the bottle…completely. There was no other choice but to resume ng feedings…even if his pediatrician thought he was right: that in spite of his extreme premature birth, his chronic lung disease, his reflux and his paralyzed vocal cord there was no reason why an infant would not eat…would starve himself.

This was our reality.

Our life with our beautiful baby boy was all about feeding him by a tube that was placed in his nose that led down to his stomach and was taped securely to his soft cheek.

Strangers would stare, ask what was wrong with our baby and offer all kinds of unsolicited advice and solutions…because it couldn’t be possible that a baby simply would not eat, would starve himself.

Everything I ever believed, learned or did as a mother regarding nutrition and feeding my children I had to let go of with this experience with my child. I had to accept the scrutiny (and sometimes judgments) of professionals and lay-people alike. I had to be the one to re-insert his feeding tube if it was accidentally or purposely dislodged by my baby boy…sometimes daily…and I had to listen to him cry as I did it. Daniel was fed by ng tube until he was 9 months old when his pediatrician and GI specialist reluctantly agreed to our request for a gastrostomy feeding tube. They would only agree because I refused to give continuous 24 hour feedings by ng tube because of the potential for dislodging of the tube and aspiration of feeding into his lungs. It wasn’t until 4 years later that he was finally able to be tube feeding free. Feeding this child still remains a struggle and I imagine it will always be so for him. I hated the feeding tubes…I despised them…but I remain grateful for them because at one point in his life it was the only way to feed him. Having cared for, cried for, prayed for and supported Daniel on this journey I have to wonder like he did…Why? Why would anyone do this to themselves on purpose…just to be skinnier and prettier in a dress that they will wear for but one day?

ABC

Why?

making our own choices

Posted on by

My darling daughter #3 is not feeling well. Big surprise because out of all my circus clowns she has always seemed to be the sickliest one…even sicker than her once considered “medically fragile” little brother or sicker than the sister that walked around with mono for weeks unbeknownst to us all because she was just feeling a little run down. No, darling Abigael seems to be vulnerable to every freakin’ bug out there during colds and flu season. Poor thing! Thankfully, because of her once “medically fragile” little brother, this circus act is pretty good in prevention…hand-washing people, it really works.

But back to Abby not feeling well…she has been complaining of what is very likely strep so I suggested she get herself over to the doctor to get it checked and if it is strep get on some amoxicillin. She is 18 so she can do this all by herself…dang HIPAA spoils all my hovering mothering! Actually I am pretty confident in my adult child accessing her own medical care and making decisions. I have tried to bring these clowns up that way to be active participants in their own health care because Mommy Dearest can’t always be there. So yes, I am confident in my grown-up children being advocates for their own healthcare and being more than capable to make the right decisions for themselves when presented with all the information and education.

But it seems lately a lot of states’ governing bodies like Virginia, Alabama, Kansas, Missouri, Arizona and others, politicians on all levels, pundits and anyone with a political blog out there seems to be better capable at making health-care related decisions for my adult daughters than they might be. No, I’m not talking about treating strep throat or getting new glasses but their reproductive health. It would seem that some out there are more qualified to make those kind of decisions for women. Yes, they loudly proclaim it is not about sex or pregnancy prevention or even other matters of female reproductive health, it is about religious freedom and morality.

Um, sure.

Honestly, it is none of my business what decisions my adult age daughters make about their reproductive health…HIPAA tells me so…so why is it anyone else’s business, especially politicians and pundits?? Personally I am proud that my girls are active in making choices like that. They were listening when we would talk about health care, sex and all that stuff. Good job girls! Mommy Dearest is so proud of you!

When Holly came to me more than four years ago to tell me that she was pregnant and alone because Baby Daddy then wanted no part of her problem, I promised her that whatever her choice was, we were there with her. I found myself back then having to remind Baby Daddy of that fact as well. Whether he liked it or not…whether I was ready to be a Mi-ma or not, it was Holly’s choice. I meant it…even if then I declared myself to be pro-life. I have always considered myself to be just that. But when faced with the results of my daughter’s involvement with Baby Daddy then, I realized that it wasn’t my choice…not at all…not ever. As it turned out, Holly, like me, personally would not consider termination as an option for herself…and I am so glad because Hazel is awesome. Still, I meant what I said then to my daughter. No matter what, I was there with her because she is always my baby girl. So yeah, it turns out that I am pro-choice because I trust my girls to make the right choices for themselves.

A few years before my becoming a Mi-ma before I was ready, I cared for a beautiful baby girl born to a dear friend of mine. Her sweet baby was born with Trisomy 18 (just like Rick Santorum’s daughter). Most with Trisomy 18 do not survive pregnancy or birth and those that do usually only live for a few hours or days. The Santorums’ little girl is one of the rare exceptions. My friend found out during the pregnancy the condition of her daughter and she made the choice to continue with the pregnancy because, it was her choice. When presented with all the medical facts, she was more than capable to make the right decision for herself and her family. Of course it isn’t necessarily the right choice for others, as some vocalized then. Still it was her choice and it was the right choice for her. Baby L. lived for six weeks at home with her mommy and daddy before she passed away in her mother’s arms. Yes, her death was very painful but I have no doubt that her family loved her, treasured her and was so happy to enjoy their time with her. That was very evident at her memorial service.

I have to say I am not sure if I would have made the same choice as my friend did if I found myself in the same situation. I guess it is my experiences over the years as a NICU nurse that might shape my feelings. Still, I support my friend in making the right choice for herself. She was more than capable to make it when presented with all the medical information.

It seriously disturbs me that some out there want to make women’s reproductive health THE issue of this election year because women’s access to quality reproductive health care IS the biggest concern right now. Funny, but I’m more worried about the crazy increase in what it costs to fill the gas tank of the mom-car. I seriously stress over our finances, paying a higher percentage in taxes than Mitt, Rick, Newt and the rest of the 1% who clearly have worked harder than I ever have. I worry about why the hell are we STILL in Afghanistan and what we are doing over there.

Seriously, to those politician and pundits out there, back up and re-focus. The decisions my daughters and people like my friend and Mrs. Santorum make about their reproductive health, their pregnancies and their families is not any of our business. What they choose does not interfere with my own religious beliefs or moral code…

Not.

At.

All.

So stop, change your view and focus on what is really important to women who vote like myself and my daughters because we do vote. Yes, just like our health care choices, we are more than capable of deciding how we will vote based on what is important to us right now.