Tag Archives: mental-health

looking through Oz colored glasses

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Struggling…struggling much, much too hard here. Since receiving news Friday that will gravely affect our finances, our Big Top, our family, our ability to care for our family, I have become unbelievably overwhelmed…

and crying a lot…

and sleepless…

and literally shaky…

and not hungry…

and on and on.

I’m already barely hanging on with depression and anxiety that my former family doctor was certain I could fix with hypnosis. Hormone therapy and running (oh thank glob for running!) keeps me going as does my circus clowns but Friday I was knocked down…knocked down hard. Getting up earlier this week I was knocked down even harder trying to solve our problems because the care and feeding and housing of my family does not matter much at all when The Man demands that which you don’t have…right now! Miss Hardy of the IRS made that very clear to me. Prove your hardship. Prove that you must house and clothe and feed your circus act and then maybe we won’t take away all your money that you can barely live on paycheck to paycheck is what she told me. In the meantime, it belongs to The Man.

I felt as if I could not breathe. And then for almost an hour I went to a very, very dark place inside myself. It froze me. I felt as if I was encased in concrete or perhaps frozen in carbonite. Frozen in that dark place, I have never felt so hopeless, so demoralized, so unable to do anything…except that which my mind seemed to be telling me I must do. It was such a scary idea in my mind.

Yeah, I could very well be having a nervous breakdown. Aren’t you glad I am oversharing that?

Sorry. I just can’t help myself.

I need help.

Desperately so, I know…and no, Dr. Assdale, I don’t imagine that hypnosis is what I need.

But first I must fill out this damn 433F form, as well as 656 Form and then call back Miss Hardy and beg for a little grace…grace I certainly don’t deserve but dammit my family does!

I can’t wait to call her back because I know I can not emotionally and physically take verbal insults and abuse from her again.

But I have to. I must. I have no other choice.

But before I do, I took a break…a brief break, but a very much needed break and journeyed to Oz with Jodie.

Looking through these Oz colored glasses while enjoying a sneak preview of Oz, The Great and Powerful was a much needed balm. An oh-so, but desperately required respite before I completely fall apart and actually listen to that voice in that very dark place.

Don’t worry, I won’t listen to that voice, not ever. I guess that is one good thing Mommy Dearest taught me by doing…to herself…repeatedly…when I was just a child. Actually I credit my circus clowns who call me away, distract me, love me and hold on to me so tightly.

The movie? I enjoyed it. I’ll share a review later. But first I must finish filling out those forms and then prepare to call Miss Hardy back.

If you pray or think good thoughts or light candles or are into voodoo I need all of it desperately.

Thank you.

thank you Dr. A$$dale

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We join our heroine in a doctor’s exam room…

Doctor: Your blood pressure seems to be slightly elevated. It is still well within normal limits but for you it is elevated.

Patient: Perhaps waiting an hour for my scheduled appointment and thinking of all the things I could be doing with my time might have contributed. Or maybe watching a toddler terrorist named Savannah tear up the waiting room while her mommy did pretty much nothing…oh wait, she did change Savannah’s poopy diaper in the waiting room. That was wonderful!

Doctor: I can see why your blood pressure might be a little bit elevated.

Patient: (rolls her eyes)

Doctor: (as he completes his physical exam) So are there any questions?

Patient: Well yes. I’m having a very hard time with menopausal symptoms.

Doctor: (smiling benevolently in a Mitt Romney-esque, creepy way) I hear it can be difficult. When was your last period?

Patient: Fourteen months ago.

Doctor: Well I guess we can declare that you have officially entered into menopause. (again with the smile)

Patient: Yes. The problem is my symptoms have increased exponentially. It is hard to function at times because the hot flashes, night sweats, insomnia, mood changes, and others are becoming so much more difficult to cope with. I’ve tried over the counter treatments but the symptoms seem so much more worse the last couple of months. I read that this can continue for years after menopause and I am wondering what, if anything can I do to help alleviate some of this.

Doctor: Yes, it is true. All of those and more can last for years. Unfortunately with your family history hormone replacement therapy is contraindicated. I know it’s hard but hang in there. (more benevolent smiling)

Patient: Gee, it sure is great being a girl!

Doctor: (laughs) Speaking of your family history, it is time to schedule your mammogram.

Patient: Goody!

Doctor: Is there anything else I can help you with?

Patient: Yes. Panic attacks.

Doctor: Panic attacks? What are you panicking about?

Patient: I’m not sure. They are totally irrational but overwhelming. I know there is no valid reason for the feelings when they happen but they overtake me. I can’t breathe. My heart races uncontrollably. It has gotten to the point I can’t go places with my family.

Doctor: Why not?

Patient: I don’t know! I told you it is completely irrational but it is happening. I’ve tried various coping techniques…relaxation exercises, breathing techniques, distraction, self hypnosis…they just aren’t helping. It’s getting progressively worse and it is affecting my family. Is there something I can do…something I can take to relieve the overwhelming anxiety?

Doctor: No.

Patient: No?

Doctor: No. I don’t want to prescribe anything that would impair you or could be addictive.

(says the doctor who prescribes Vicodin like m&m’s because I have a stash of Vicodin to prove it)

Doctor: Perhaps you should try hypnosis.

Patient: Because self-hypnosis hasn’t worked?

Doctor: Yes. Hypnosis will fix your anxieties.

Patient: Where can I find a person that can do this?

Doctor: I don’t know. Maybe check the yellow pages. Well, I guess I will see you in about eight weeks to go over the results of your mammogram. Okay?

Patient: No.

Doctor: No?

Patient: Thank you, Dr. A$$dale, but no. You’re fired!

fighting to get up

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I am so not a morning person. Surprised much? Well, considering that most of my career as a nurse has been as Vampira the Night Shift Nurse, one should not be too surprised.

But lately I find myself struggling just to get up even more than usual. Oh, who am I kidding? It has been hard to get out of bed pretty much every day the last few weeks…months…perhaps years…a couple? Depression sucks, doesn’t it? It sucks a lot.

Here’s where I confess that this truth scares me. It scares me a whole lot. Growing up with a parent living with Bipolar Disorder I have seen how it can be at its very worst…and even worse than that. The mania was often scary, very scary, but nothing scared me more than when she would not get up…not even move.  I think the hardest thing for me to forgive was when she would not get up…would not even try…no matter how badly my brothers, sister and myself needed her to. That’s why I try so very hard to force myself to get up no matter how badly I just want to pull the covers up over my head and pretend that there is no reason to get up, no world out there that I must live in.

But there is.

There are quite a few reasons that I must get up. I can think of at least eight…eight wonderful reasons.

Yeah, lately it has been really hard to get up in the morning…or in the afternoon when I am working nights. Still I fight. I fight hard, so very hard to get up. And I am thankful for the eight reasons I have to do just that…so very thankful.

truth be told

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The conversation starts this way, “Have I done something to upset you or piss you off, because you hardly ever say hello and talk to me? What’s going on?”

So, do I tell her the truth? I mean, does she really want to hear what’s on my mind? It’s not too pretty. Which is why I have withdrawn a little…okay, a lot.

My attempt to protect others from the cra-cra that sometimes settles inside of me is, as usual, misconstrued as that I am mad at someone…think I’m better than someone….just like Jr. High. Except for the fact that no one really thought that of me back when I was in Jr. High…or High School. Living in a small town and a mom who liked to manically over share every weekend at the local beer garden pretty much made my withdrawal seem okay…and probably added to the sympathy for those poor kids of hers.

Hmmm…wondering here if I am more like Mommy Dearest than I want to admit that I am. No, not the bipolar disorder…the over sharing…then again I don’t have a local beer garden to do that in. There just isn’t such a thing here in my own small town. Yeah, there’s bars but not like back home…where you can actually bring a baby, or the kids into the bar, er, beer garden/tavern…to eat dinner while enjoying second-hand smoke. and awkward conversations with your parents tipsy friends.

My kids are so deprived and sheltered.

Lucky!

Oh wait, I’m off topic aren’t I?

Back to Jr. High…as in this is so like Jr. High girl drama.

Ugh!

When I was in college someone confronted me like this accusing me of thinking I was better than her and everyone else in our clinical group. Bewildered, I tried to explain that all I was doing was just keeping my head down while trying to get through the nursing program. My anxieties and demons had SO MUCH FUN with me back then convincing me that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, strong enough. I was double wrapped in that cocoon then!

No, I’m not mad at her. She hasn’t done anything to me to make me mad at her. That is what I tell her while I roll my eyes inside my mind. It is indeed true. She hasn’t done anything…to me. I just need to be curled up in my little cocoon for just a little while. It’s why I hang on to it like I do…you know, for those times when my own anxieties and demons show up…and to protect myself from the crazy shit the drama queens who can’t move past Jr. High often try to stir up.

let’s pretend…

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…that I have not completely FAILED in prepping myself for this Sunday’s death march mud run that I will be doing with my son in law. Yes, I can handle the running distance…bitch please…it’s the mud and the upper body strength needed obstacles not to mention it is going to be 80 degrees HOT when we start our race at 12:30 PM. I’m. Going. To. Die. I hope Ben will kindly drag my body to the finish line…for my loving circus clowns who surely will miss me when I am gone.

Let’s pretend that I have not STILL have not finished that staircase railing paint project…Y’all know I will probably finally finish it around August which would be a year after I started.

Let’s pretend that the NRP mega-code simulation test that I did today was not the hot, sweaty mess that it was because I am so nervous in testing scenarios like that (yes even if I have been doing this for over 22 years…don’t judge) and let’s pretend that I was not given the scariest delivery from hell scenario because I’m a NICU nurse and I can handle it. I know my mega-code partner, who at first was happily announcing that this was her last NRP renewal ever because she is retiring next year certainly wishes it had never happened. Don’t worry. We saved the baby mannequin patient. Oh, and we both passed.

Let’s pretend that the usual war of the worlds that is between Hazel and Daniel when he comes home from school to discover that I am babysitting his nieces never happened. I know Daniel and Hazel wish that it never happened…or at least the time-outs they received never happened.

Let’s just pretend all the annoying shit that has been bothering us all today has never happened…

But Jenny, the Bloggess‘ new book, available on sale today and on my Kindle WAITING for me to read it now…THAT we should all be so happy, so very happy that it happened. Seriously. I’m so GLAD this has happened and I have the book and wine and I will be reading it tonight while drinking a glass of wine.

Go.

Buy.

This.

Book.