living still

Heaven is comfort, but it’s still not living.

~Alice Sebold, The Lovely Bones

I’m trying.

Believe me, I am trying.

There’s comfort and distractions all around me and I gratefully accept them all…

  • my son’s hugs and how he has lately been calling me “my beautiful Mom”
  • Back to School Nights and meeting teachers
  • making plans for Daniel to attend 5th grade Science Camp…how can that be?…my little boy going away to Science Camp??!!
  • picking up Hazel from kindergarten and sharing her new favorite fried egg sandwiches for lunch
  • seeing a girl walking home from school who is wearing Chucks, one bright green and one bright yellow and thinking of my Zoë and smiling while I think how much I love her…and miss her.
  • creeping on the second day of Jodie’s Senior photo shoot and awed and inspired by the beauty that is my baby girl and the creativity that is Sandra Rose Photography.
  • talking to my dancer about her plans for auditioning for AMDA LA and the shock that is the tuition…donations GLADLY entertained and accepted people.
  • hugs and prayers from friends near and far
  • hugs and prayers and tears and shared encouragements with my NICU family

I love it all. I am thankful for it all. Everyone in this little circle of shock and grief and mourning is grateful because everyday there is something…something in the news…something shared, a picture, a poem…something that has Janet all over it that takes us back all over again. It’s like being sucker punched in the gut…repeatedly.

Thank goodness for all the comforts and distractions. They are all so good.

But Janet is still not living.

This all still sucks.

I’m trying.

I promise that I am.


One thought on “living still

  1. All you can do is try. Just try to take it a day at a time and allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. Sending you hugs . . .

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