no longer the somebody that I used to know

I posted on my Facebook that I was having one of those “Welcome to Holland” moments that only parents and families with children in Special Ed would understand. And yes, many of them did understand liking my status and commenting and some even commenting on yesterday’s ranting blog post. What can I say? You take the good…you take the bad…you take them both…and there you have…

Remember that show?

Yesterday was one of those days where I wasn’t enjoying the windmills, the tulips and the Rembrandts that is Holland. It was one of those rare days. No, not sulking and thinking poor, poor, pitiful me kind of days. It was just a day where I was reminded why it is so hard for my child sometimes…as if the challenge of 5th grade, preteen hormonal surges and keeping up with his mainstream peers wasn’t enough. The older he gets it does become more of a challenge as he sees, hears and understands all the time how different he is…thanks to some people and their thinking and modeling to their children (his peers) who begin to think and act just like their parents.

Good job parents!

That was yesterday.

Today is today and I did enjoy my life here in Holland with it’s beautiful windmills, tulips (my favorite) and Rembrandts. Life with my boy, my beautiful boy is good. It’s very good. He reminded me as he always does with his hugs, his laughter and his view of the world. His wise observations never cease to surprise me and make me think. And today I was reminded also by an amazing post by Suzanne that she wrote almost two years ago:

 I recognize where you are from. I used to live there too. I used to have checked off lists, awards of accomplishments, perfect hair, great skin, sparkly eyes, a quick wit,  a clean car, a social life, a large social network, an organized calendar , vacation plans set in stone, and a no overdue library books . But then I became a Mom. And unexpectedly, a mom of a special needs child. A child with no lifelong guarantee, no definitive prognosis and no detailed treatment plans. We have good doctors, we have a good attitude and we have a good family life. 

 My life is good, but not so easily structured. My skin not so healthy, my hair often flyaway, my eyes most often tired. I am up multiple times throughout the night, I rise at 5 and go full speed until 9 at night, still stymied and determined to do more each and every day.  I miss the friendships I used to have, the  once- so- easy to -achieve professional accomplishments- but I don’t miss that world you live in. 

 I am a kinder woman who lives in a world that is no longer black and white. Sometimes gray is good, a salvation, a retreat from something that could be much worse. My priorities were reshuffled for me, and now I would never think to judge another.

 I am always in motion and I am grateful . Grateful for the touch of my child who needs my hands to steady her,  grateful for my child who craves my words to calm her, my child who needs my hugs to soothe her. I am even grateful, that I no longer live …in that black and white world.

Like Suzanne, I also recognize the author of that note left on her car. I used to live in a neighborhood like that too. Thankfully I have moved away…to a better neighborhood….and the result is I am no longer like that person that I used to know.

Thank goodness.

I am so lucky…so damn lucky.


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