play it again: on your 50th

Independence Day, the month of October, Christmas, a brother and sister sharing a moment, fluffy clouds up in the sky…all these remind me how much I miss my brother, Randy.

Originally published July 4, 2013

Today would have been your 50th birthday. Nine birthdays have passed since you’ve been gone.

I miss you little brother. I miss you just as much as the day when you left me forever.

For the longest time, you were the only one who really understood me and who accepted me. I, in turn, could always see past the faults others were so quick to point out and hold against you…because they never did anything wrong.

Just a few months before you died, you told me that we were bonded closer than any of our other siblings, parents, foster parents or step-parents could ever be to us. You were right. There was a time where we were all that we had. The history, the memories, the secrets, the laughter, the tears and the fears we shared together just us are ours alone. We got through that time together holding tightly to one another’s hands. Thank goodness it was your hand I held onto so tightly during those years. No one will ever understand that which connected us, sister and brother.

You were my biggest fan, my protector, my champion and you would tease me without mercy. I adored you just as much as I sometimes was irritated and annoyed by you. Brothers and sisters are that way, aren’t they? I would have done anything for you…given you anything…I tried to. Unfortunately I could not give you that which you spent a lifetime, ever since you were a very little boy, wanting, desperately needing. If I was one of the men in your life whom you looked to I would have gladly given you the unconditional love and acceptance you deserved. I can only imagine how differently your life would have been. Perhaps you would be here right now celebrating your fiftieth birthday and watching fireworks with me, your sister. Of course, as always, all the hoopla and fireworks is for you…all for you.

I love you, Randy.

I miss you. I miss you so much it still hurts.

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