They look like an ordinary pair of Asics running shoes but they aren’t. They are literally noise cancelling shoes…very well worn noise cancelling shoes because self care for me is the ability to walk…to run…miles and miles.
Well, I do as I see all those once shiny, blingy medals every day collecting dust hanging out of sight in my walk-in closet. I hear them too as well as the ten of them that live in my closet clank against one another reminding me of what I did. What I can do. What has been literally my therapy for such a very long, long time.
I don’t run in half marathons anymore for many reasons. The biggest reason is I just can not afford to anymore. But I do still run. All the time. Any chance that I can.
Self mental health care.
But truth be told, the endorphins release is no longer enough. It hasn’t been for months and months. But I still run because I need to because it is something that I can do. Something that I can do now and do pretty well.
Years and years ago, after the birth of one of the many babies I birthed, I was being treated for post partum depression. My doctor wanted to add medication to my treatment but I refused for quite some time because I was breastfeeding my baby and I had concerns about the effect the meds might have on my nursing infant. Still the doctor pushed back. Finally I confessed that at that moment and every day I knew for sure the one thing that I could do right was feed my baby. Everything else I did, or didn’t do, was open for scrutiny and critique but feeding my baby was the one thing that only I could do and I did it very well. And so my doctor agreed.
Now I run. I have ran for over 4 years and have run a lot. Running for the dopamine release and running to cancel out the noise, the noise always in my head that mocks, jeers, derides, scoffs at anything I think or feel or do.
Today the noise was especially loud so I laced up these shoes and walked and ran and walked for what ended up being nearly ten miles because step by step, mile after mile, the noise was not there. Cancelled. I needed that noise to be out of my head today. Desperately so. So I ran longer than I had planned for.
Tomorrow I imagine that my body will hate me.
As for me I will be grateful for my noise cancelling shoes.
Oh, and for the kitty photo bomb too.