that which I can control

Talking with a friend the other day about running, I admitted that this last month I stopped, at least for now, and replaced it with the 30 Day Yoga Challenge.

But don’t you miss it? You LOVED running.

I do, I confess. But I needed the break at least for now while I regard my nearly 54 year old body that doesn’t like to do or flat out just won’t do what I want it to do anymore. In my imagination I might not ever be a cranky, crotchety, old lady but my body sure is feeling like it lately.

Ugh!

Getting older might make one bolder and wiser but it sure isn’t all fun and games…especially after getting off of a long 12 hour shift where one is holding a 10 pound patient, screaming in withdrawal pain, as you walk the floor of the unit for the majority of the shift. I know, it’s not at all as much fun or back-breaking as moving an immobile, incontinent 300 pound patient to change the bedding like my cousin tells me she was doing that same night. Still, it does a number on the body.

And after 25 days of this 30 Days Yoga Camp, I am all the more aware of all of this and more. The ridiculousness that is me trying to get into a garland pose or crow or heron or camel poses makes me all the more mindful of flexibility and strength that is there…and that is not there. The mantra yesterday, for Day 24, was I Am In Control, and, truth be told, I laughed a little as I focused on those words.

Control…

Me…

I am in control.

I certainly LIKE to be in control.

I absolutely have control issues.

I was probably born that way…or at the very least, developed control issues at a very young age.

I absolutely want to be in control.

But working on this practice through the month, and especially after this week, this not great at all week, I know that I am not, nor will I ever be in the control that I want to be…not with my mind, my body, my aching old lady joints, my family, and on and on…

This sucks, I think to myself as I flow awkwardly from triangle to warrior 1 to plank to cobra to down dog to table to child’s pose.

Trust me. So. Much. Awkward.

But settling into child’s and regulating my breathing to a much more relaxed position, I compliment myself on how much better I went through that flow than I did 20 days ago. I mean, I did not fall down…not at all.

I do have control!  Like my life, it’s not control over all the things. It never will be…just as it never has been. That’s okay, I tell myself as I eventually end in corpse pose. And before I doze off, as I sometimes do in this restorative position, I say the mantra…the revised mantra…I am not in control…and that is more than okay.

Namaste, bitches!

 

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