mourning, but with all the hope

I know that I am not the only one crying and screaming on the inside what the actual fuck right now.

Baton Rouge…Alton Sterling…”he should have just complied”…Falcon Heights…Philando Castile…”but he complied; he followed the officer’s orders”…Black Lives Matter…Dallas…Dallas PD…Ballwin…Ballwin PD…Blue Lives Matter…“All Lives Matter”…

I can’t. I just can’t.

Moments that words don’t reach; suffering too terrible to name. And in these moments this week I just want to hold the ones I love the most as tight as I can and push away the unimaginable. All of it. But I can’t. I just can’t.

I am at work and I distract myself with work. I walk into the break room and one of the news channels is on. It’s not Fox News…THANK YOU…but I just can’t. I distract myself with work, with my patients’ conditions and parents’ bedside vigils because I just can’t imagine.

Coffee is delivered by my current favorite child, and I give thanks for the happy distraction it brings.

It’s the little things. Acts of kindness. Warm hugs. Parents holding their precious new babies as close as they can taking in all the promises of future hope that they represent. Moments that words don’t reach; grace too powerful to understand. My heart hurts right now. The hearts of most everyone else I know hurt right now. Sad, mad, all the outrage, all the helplessness, all the tears and fears are happening right now and I know that I am not alone. But through the night at work last night there was for me a promise of hope that no matter how small is potentially powerful enough to rise above the unimaginable. I’m keeping that hope close to my heart and last night, all night, and today, right now I am happy for the tiny warmth it radiates deep within my broken heart.

A baby is god’s opinion that the world should go on.

Carl Sandburg

getting good coffee karma

Off to school! But first, coffee, because Mom needs coffee.

Are you getting coffee, mom?

Yes. I need some coffee like right now.

:::yawning::: Can I get some too?


A frappuccino?

Don’t judge me. He’s fourteen and he does look a little ragged around the edges this morning. So in the drive thru, I order my usual caffeine fix and a caramel coffee frappuccino for my teenaged son.

The car in front of you paid for your drinks, Ma’am.

Cool! I’ll pay for the order behind me then

Why are you doing that, Mom?

Because the car in front of me bought our drinks.

Why would he buy our drinks?

Because it’s a kindness thing that people sometimes do.

I don’t get it.

Well, the man in front of us bought our drinks which is a kind thing and it makes me smile because he was kind and now I am in a good mood.

You are?

Sure. And now because I’m in a good mood I kind of feel like doing something kind so I’m buying the lady’s drink behind us.


Because I feel like being kind like the guy in front of me was to me. I feel like sharing.


Because I’m feeling kind and I want to throw all that kindness around like confetti.

I still don’t get it.

Well it’s good to share kindness with strangers. Sometimes just buying someone coffee is an act of kindness that can change their whole day.

Well, you could have bought my drink.

But the guy in front of us did. He was kind to us.

He didn’t have to.

Right! That’s what makes it a good thing to do. It probably made him smile so he will have a good day and it makes us smile and we will probably have a good day and now we share that kindness with that lady behind us and perhaps she will have a good day and share more kindness…

I still don’t get it. Can I have my drink now?

I look up and there is the barista smiling holding our drinks.

Have a great day!

Are you in a good mood now, Mom?

Yes I am.

I still don’t get it.

That’s okay, Daniel.


I basically can’t live without

You know you did very well in gifting when your child shares with her nearly 10K followers on her business Instagram account  that which you gifted her.

Seriously, this bag is pretty awesome. All the more awesome is her Pinterest board because she really is hard to shop for sometimes. Of course, she gets it from her mama! But this last year I gifted her well. Thank you Pinterest and Hollie pinning all the things.

I just might need a bag like this because, like my darling daughter, and pretty much anyone, there is absolutely a bunch of shit I basically can’t live without.

  1. like my favorite face wash because the oil slick that is my face keeps waiting for the dry, flaky, crepe-y skin that is all part of the joy that is menopause. Sure it might feel like a certain body fluid, as someone I know compared it to, but it works very well for me…and that is all that matters.
  2. Sunscreen! All the sunscreen because ginger girl problems are real.
  3. This lip balm because more sunscreen and because I am always licking my lips so why bother with heavy lip color?
  4. My latest favorite Acoustic Chill playlist on Spotify because the drive to work is too stupid and too real

  5. My old, well-worn, gray sweater I got from Costco years ago.
  6. Eyeglass cleaner because the glasses I wear every waking moment are always smudged and dirty and I just might be obsessed about cleaning those glasses of mine.
  7. This whiteboard calendar which just might be ridiculous if I were to carry it in a bag.

    Then again, I am not the only one living under The Big Top who basically can not live without it which is why everything and everyone on the calendar is color coded.
  8. My blackout curtains because I am Vampira, the night shift nurse.
  9. Coffee, nectar of all the nurses.
  10. My Amazon Prime account
  11. Dental floss. I blame my dentist for lecturing me about gum disease while deep cleaning for what has become an addiction.
  12. My cameras…Canon 60D and iPhone because I am indeed the Mamarazzi
  13. My favorite pen…don’t ask to borrow it…ever.
  14. My Moleskine notebook
  15. a bottle of Coke Zero, just one, for my lunch break at work
  16. My ASU ball cap to hide the epic bedhead when I take my son to school in the morning. Not that my son’s principal would ever call me out for the bedhead or the pajama pants I might be wearing (if I’m not wearing scrubs) because she isn’t nearly as judge-y as Kate Chisholm and because at least I am wearing a bra. There’s that!
  17. My Caffeine and Kilos ball cap for when I can’t find my ASU cap.
  18. A good bra.
  19. My water bottle. I blame Jodie and my membranes rupturing at 26 weeks while pregnant with her for my ALWAYS carrying a water bottle and ALWAYS drinking all the water.
  20. A Sharpie marker…you never know when you need to mark something permanently.
  21. Altoids, you are very welcome Day Shift!
  22. My Asics
  23. My favorite Scünci hair ties…they are discontinued which would explain why I am hoarding them.
  24. My favorite hair clip because thick hair can be a problem, even thinning, menopausal, thick hair. But hurray for the fact that my hair is long enough 20 months after my latest pixie cut to twist up into an undo with my favorite hair clip…it’s the little things that make me happiest, really.
  25. Scarves…I have no idea how many I have. That might be a problem. But who cares because I basically can’t live without them.

What shit that you basically can’t live without would you stuff that duffel bag with.

coffee in a cardboard cup

The trouble with the world today

It seems to me

Is coffee in a cardboard cup.

The trouble with the affluent society

Is coffee in a cardboard cup

No one’s ever casual and nonchalant,

No one wastes a minute in a restaurant,

No one wants a waitress passing pleasantries,

Like ‘Hiya Miss. Hiya Sir.

May I take your order please?’

The trouble with the world today,

It’s plain to see

Is ev’rything is hurry up.

It’s rush it through.

Don’t be slow…

It’s coffee in a cardboard cup.

~ Frank Ebb/John Kander

So much brew-haha over absolutely nothing really.

I really don’t care what my cup looks like. What matters to me is what’s in the damn cup.

As much as my clowns who were/are baristas tell me how awful it is to steam eggnog, I offer no apologies for being so happy that Eggnog Lattes are back…because yes, god loves me and wants me to be happy.


photo dump 2-9-15 edition

I may not be writing much lately but I am taking pictures.

There is that at least.

Colds and flu season…sigh!

Bridesmaid gown acquired. Little sister will be pleased.

So apparently Starbucks and Match have joined together to help me meet someone? Um…no one tell my husband?

I might have a problem. Then again, most runners I know have a similar problem…worse even. By the way, I crushed that long run this past weekend and then I ate all the Chicken Alfredo Baked Ziti.

Actually I did save some for the family including Hazel who declared it all to be delicious…except the mushroom.

Meanwhile, not even her favorite, Queen Elsa, could wake up Fallon to come join the family for dinner.

Cavity inducing bedtime moments like these are truly the best.

And this. A Sunday well spent brings a week of content.

I sure do hope so!

Happy Monday y’all!