thirty years in the making

Thirty years ago, I embarked an adventure. I was fearful of the changes that were to come, but I was more anxious believing all the declarations that there would be nothing but pain that would take me into this adventure; and that there was literally nothing that I could do about it.

Accept it, they told me. Submit to it, I was advised. Wisdom passed down to me by those who had been there and done that…and who shaped me into the person who believed that I had no strength, no power in anything.

And then, Hollie was born. Thirty years ago.

Thirty years ago, I began to see some of my deepest fears about myself and realized that I was so much stronger than them.

Birth is the sudden opening of a window, through which you look out upon a stupendous prospect. For what has happened? A miracle. You have exchanged nothing for the possibility of everything.

– William Macneile Dixon

From my nothing, or at least the nothing I was raised to believe to be true about myself came the possibility of everything. Thirty years ago today, it all began.

Thirty years ago today, it all began with her.

Here again I literally gasp out loud finding it hard to believe that I am the part of someone so beautiful in all the ways…in spite of the million mistakes I have made along the way of this adventure. But I am.

Thirty years ago began the adventure.

Happy birthday my dear, darling daughter. Thanks for making me Mom.

their canvas

Hollie: What do you think of me doing this for Mima’s hair today?

Fallon: I think this is better for Mima’s hair!

She also declared that she is a better braider than her mama..because she is!

Well my darling Fallon, someday, I will gladly sit in your chair and my hair shall be your canvas…someday when day-glo, rainbow, unicorn hair is not a flagrant work place dress code violation.

Not today.

Today I will revel in a few hours of mommy-daughter time while I sit in my daughter’s chair watching her create with amazing colors and textures…and I will feel pretty…and thankful. Thankful for this time. Our time. Our time together…mother and daughter…artist and canvas.

ready for Fall

It is currently 95 degrees outside and try though I may to not turn on the AC because of last month’s crazy, stupid PG&E bill because it was crazy, stupid, typical triple-digit hot, here I am with the AC on.

I am so ready for Fall.

The jacket I received in my latest Stitch Fix box reminds me I should be thinking about Fall.

Football reminds me about Fall.

Everyone’s mad love for Pumpkin Spiced Lattes reminds me that I should be thinking about Fall. Pumpkin Spiced Lattes? Meh! I could care less. But I respect those of you who love, love, love all things pumpkin spiced…even the Pumpkin Spice Cheerios. All the pumpkin spice everything just reminds me that I really should be thinking about Fall.

And the magic that my darling, first-born child did with my hair today also reminds me that I should be thinking about Fall.

Pumpkin spice she called it which is funny considering that she struggles to say the words pumpkin spice almost as much as she does trying to say moist.

As she reads this, she is probably muttering under her breath, Oh my gawd, Mom, I hate you. No, she doesn’t really hate me. She just hates the way I can say moist so easily and freely in her presence…kind of like the way her partner at Lux Salon does. Speaking of Lux Salon in the 209, it is definitely THE place to go to for all the pretty colors and fabulous hair.

 

and after six years

And now six years later, these two seem to remain just as impossibly, perfectly meant to be as the day they pledged to be together to infinity and beyond.

Infinity and the beyond that is making a life and a home together for the two of them and their impossibly, perfectly, wonderful daughters. It’s not all smoke and mirrors y’all. These two have worked hard together and we can’t help but be proud of all the adventures to infinity and beyond that they have made. They have grown up together coming through many adventures…some wonderful and some that would knock the wind out of you. Still they live, love and thrive.

Yeah, we’re also a little jealous of how perfectly gorgeous they continue to be.

Happy anniversary Hollie and Ben!

a natural and common event

A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven’t. Most don’t mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn’t happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she’ll know.
— Barbara Kingsolver

Much has been happening in the lives of my circus act this week. Much to celebrate and give thanks for…sending children off to school…new jobs…college life…marriages to celebrate…milestones achieved…all good and wonderful things for which we all celebrate and are thankful for. Yet all the good, so much good, is tempered right now with our hearts bruised and aching as we hold one of ours in this moment.

Yes, it’s like the wind has been knocked out of us because so many wishes, hopes and dreams are attached to this brand new life.

Miscarriage, yes, is a natural and common event. It doesn’t make it any easier to get over even if that is what might be the expectation. An acquaintance said recently how awkward they feel comforting someone who needs comfort; which I guess is supposed to make it okay to not even try. I countered that perhaps literally looking someone you know and care about in the eye and say to them “I’m sorry” is really all that is needed because no matter how awkward you feel, trust me, their pain is so much more. In the end as they heal, they will remember who cared to say that…and who awkwardly said or did nothing.

I’m sorry is simply all that is needed…add a hug, even better…a casserole for extra points.

In all seriousness, it hurts. I know it hurts my child more than it hurts me right now but it hurts still. It’s a hurt I can’t kiss away for her. It’s a loss that reminds me of my own years and years ago…the three of them would be 31 and 26 years old today

For my daughter and son in law, I am so sorry, so very sorry.