mourning, but with all the hope

I know that I am not the only one crying and screaming on the inside what the actual fuck right now.

Baton Rouge…Alton Sterling…”he should have just complied”…Falcon Heights…Philando Castile…”but he complied; he followed the officer’s orders”…Black Lives Matter…Dallas…Dallas PD…Ballwin…Ballwin PD…Blue Lives Matter…“All Lives Matter”…

I can’t. I just can’t.

Moments that words don’t reach; suffering too terrible to name. And in these moments this week I just want to hold the ones I love the most as tight as I can and push away the unimaginable. All of it. But I can’t. I just can’t.

I am at work and I distract myself with work. I walk into the break room and one of the news channels is on. It’s not Fox News…THANK YOU…but I just can’t. I distract myself with work, with my patients’ conditions and parents’ bedside vigils because I just can’t imagine.

Coffee is delivered by my current favorite child, and I give thanks for the happy distraction it brings.

It’s the little things. Acts of kindness. Warm hugs. Parents holding their precious new babies as close as they can taking in all the promises of future hope that they represent. Moments that words don’t reach; grace too powerful to understand. My heart hurts right now. The hearts of most everyone else I know hurt right now. Sad, mad, all the outrage, all the helplessness, all the tears and fears are happening right now and I know that I am not alone. But through the night at work last night there was for me a promise of hope that no matter how small is potentially powerful enough to rise above the unimaginable. I’m keeping that hope close to my heart and last night, all night, and today, right now I am happy for the tiny warmth it radiates deep within my broken heart.

A baby is god’s opinion that the world should go on.

Carl Sandburg

fifty four

The minute you’re born, you’re getting older.

~ Doris Roberts


Deal with it!

Today I have successfully completed fifty four years of waking up and living every single day. I’m celebrating.

But first, let me take a selfie.

No filters, no crazy edit app to to perfect365 the shit out of this face of mine to the point it looks so plastic that it’s laughable…I do laugh when I regard pictures like that which I see on social media, especially if I know you because WHY??????!!!!!! Pro tip: If you are posed in the picture with your darling significant other or your children it appears all the more fake. Better to stand in front of the sunny window of your kid’s room as I did this morning and smile.

I’m fifty four years old today and every damn day of this year and although I have no clue what the rest of today or this year will bring, I am going to do my very best to enjoy.

putting up with the rain

Remember when I bought myself a sweet pair of rain boots and predicted the possible end of El Niño? Sometimes I hate it when I am mostly right because given the bright, sunshine-y days and the fact that my favorite son put away his jeans and sweat pants and pulled out his shorts, it would seem that our El Niño sputtered and faltered…

Until Friday and the beginning of our Spring Break.

Extended forecast promises rain and rain and thunderstorms and more rain all but one day this Spring Break. Perhaps I didn’t break El Niño after all. A good thing, a very good thing. But looks like once again our Spring Break plans are spoiled. It’s okay. Expert juggler that I am sure we can find alternative fun Spring Break things to do…added bonus is I’ll get to wear my sweet rain boots.

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
~ Dolly Parton

we learned the secret…apparently

Today under The Big Top we celebrate the fact that this one is TWENTY FOUR YEARS OLD!!!!

Oh yeah!

We also celebrate the fact that we have learned the secret to raising amazing humans. It’s absolutely true because our dear friend Amber told me so. It’s also true that we are indeed the parents of five pretty amazing humans.

We are the fortunate ones, really.

And today we celebrate the beautiful, spirited force of nature that is our Zoë Elizabeth.

I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity.

Eleanor Roosevelt


You know, Mima, I think that grownups just need to share better…you know like kids know how to share their toys. Grownups need to share too.


That’s right, this 7 year old schooled me on a truth that truthfully we sometimes forget when we are so busy adulting and grown-upping.

I need to have the opportunity to hang out with her more often because the wisdom she has to share…so much wisdom…as freely as a child shares their toys…you know, when their mom or dad make them share their toys.

Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children

Oliver Wendell Holmes