mourning, but with all the hope

I know that I am not the only one crying and screaming on the inside what the actual fuck right now.

Baton Rouge…Alton Sterling…”he should have just complied”…Falcon Heights…Philando Castile…”but he complied; he followed the officer’s orders”…Black Lives Matter…Dallas…Dallas PD…Ballwin…Ballwin PD…Blue Lives Matter…“All Lives Matter”…

I can’t. I just can’t.

Moments that words don’t reach; suffering too terrible to name. And in these moments this week I just want to hold the ones I love the most as tight as I can and push away the unimaginable. All of it. But I can’t. I just can’t.

I am at work and I distract myself with work. I walk into the break room and one of the news channels is on. It’s not Fox News…THANK YOU…but I just can’t. I distract myself with work, with my patients’ conditions and parents’ bedside vigils because I just can’t imagine.

Coffee is delivered by my current favorite child, and I give thanks for the happy distraction it brings.

It’s the little things. Acts of kindness. Warm hugs. Parents holding their precious new babies as close as they can taking in all the promises of future hope that they represent. Moments that words don’t reach; grace too powerful to understand. My heart hurts right now. The hearts of most everyone else I know hurt right now. Sad, mad, all the outrage, all the helplessness, all the tears and fears are happening right now and I know that I am not alone. But through the night at work last night there was for me a promise of hope that no matter how small is potentially powerful enough to rise above the unimaginable. I’m keeping that hope close to my heart and last night, all night, and today, right now I am happy for the tiny warmth it radiates deep within my broken heart.

A baby is god’s opinion that the world should go on.

Carl Sandburg

celebrating life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness

We hold these truths to be sacred & undeniable; that all men are created equal & independent, that from that equal creation they derive rights inherent & inalienable, among which are the preservation of life, & liberty, & the pursuit of happiness; …

Thomas Jefferson’s original rough draught on display at The Library of Congress

Wise words quoted much. Quoted much the past few days in defense of blowing up all the fireworks all the days and nights leading up to our Independence Day; and likely the days and nights after because ‘murica is great y’all! Quoted much also in defense of the right to enjoy a quiet evening in your own home without the pets freaking out or to just enjoy an uninterrupted, good night’s sleep before rising at 4AM to start one’s work day. Spoken out loud in celebration of a day to camp by the lake or boat on the Dirty Delta or float in the pool…and of course drink all the beer…followed by blowing up all the fireworks….again, because ‘murica y’all.

I wonder if, 240 years later, would John Adams approve? After all he did say, It ought to be solemnized with pomp and parade, with shows, games, sports, guns, bells, bonfires, and illuminations from one end of this continent to the other from this time forward forever more. But he first said, It ought to be commemorated as the Day of Deliverance by solemn acts of devotion to God Almighty. 

I’m rambling, I know. But I will make no apology because it’s my life, my liberty and my pursuit of happiness too.

Happy Independence Day!

Adams, remarking the difficulty for which the resolution for independence was passed, said it was like getting thirteen clocks to strike at the same instant.

Garry Wills

I’m tired

I worked the last couple nights; so one would assume that I am tired right about now. I am. I am tired; but not because of Vampira night shift nurse problems that is resetting my body clock back to daytime life.

No.

I’m tired because so many other reasons.

  • I’m tired of the bullshit that is life right now where my kids must keep tucked into the back of their minds that they aren’t really safe in places like their school campuses or movie theaters or churches or shopping malls or night clubs.
  • I’m tired that they must accept the reality that mass shootings happen and, eventually, it will be the city where they live’s turn…because apparently we now take turns with this.
  • I’m tired of thoughts and prayers being our call to action every. damn. time. Thoughts and prayers are good. The victims of these horrific acts of violence do need our thoughts and prayers but so much more than thoughts and prayers are needed. After our pauses for moments of silence, we need to take action. Shout it out if we have to. No, we are not being disrespectful of the dead and their mourning loved ones. What is disrespectful is to stop and pray, say amen, shake our heads over the “godless world we live in” and move on to the next task at hand like “what’s for lunch?” We need to do much more than pray.
  • I’m tired of people’s need to be right. One can no longer agree to disagree. Opinions and feelings over something like a call to action beyond thoughts and prayers for victims of mass shootings is met with broad strokes that assume much too much of a person’s values, thought processes and oh so sheltered life. To argue back is met with apples and oranges arguments or taunts and jeers. A difference of opinion is yesterday’s black. Conform! We all must conform. I don’t want to conform. “Democracy in a nation of 300 million can be noisy and messy and complicated. We have our own opinions. Each of us has deeply held beliefs. And when we go through tough times, when we make big decisions as a country, it necessarily stirs passions, stirs up controversy.That won’t change…and it shouldn’t These arguments we have are a mark of our liberty. We can never forget that as we speak people in distant nations are risking their lives right now just for a chance to argue about the issues that matter, the chance to cast their ballots.”
    We don’t have to agree and that’s fundamentally okay as we were created to be unique individuals. But hurray for noise, the mess and the complications that has been US for 240 years. At least that’s how I see it!” ~ President Barack Obama
  • In the words of the super amazing Amy “Just a reminder, guys, that as the gun debate heats up, most of us gals (especially the ones from the south and west) don’t need you to mansplain weaponry to us.
    So if your first comment when jumping into a debate is to school us little ol’ prissies on the differences between types of guns, or on how magazines or ammo works, maybe just sit back, take a sip of your scotch, and zip it for a bit. We’ll work it out without you in due time, so thanks but no thanks.”
    Guys, I promise you that just because I have a problem with this god-given right to arms ourselves with as much mass killing weaponry that we should be able to purchase  as humanly possible because it is the blessed Second Amendment Right y’all, I am NOT here to take away all of your guns! I might lean a little to the pacifist side but it is not because I have never seen a gun or touched a gun or fired a gun or cleaned a gun. You dumb fool, you don’t need to pat me on the head and explain these things to me so that I will understand that guns don’t kill people…people kill, fertilizer bombs kill, cars kill, box cutters kill, knives kill, alligators kill…and I bet Build-A-Bear teddy bears can kill too because smothering.
    Don’t explain this to me. I’m tired of it!
  • And speaking of alligators, I’m tired of the sanctimommies and daddies and people who have never had children sitting back sipping their green tea whilst judging others on what has to be the worst days of their lives ever.
    Don’t.
    Just don’t.
    I know it is so much more easy to do it because, hurray interwebs and all the social media. But don’t.
    Do you know how much of an asshole you come off as when you do it? Trust me, while trying to survive a parent’s worst nightmare, a parent is doing a good enough job of eviscerating theirselves all on their very own, thank you very much.

So yeah, I’m tired. Aren’t you glad that you asked how am I right now? Yeah, I’m tired.

clouds, love, life and other illusions I really don’t know

Ever have that feeling of complete panicky, chest crushing, I can’t breathe anxiety after agreeing to a big life decision? It’s all the more fun when you are all alone so that you can literally spiral into an out of control panic attack. Okay, not really alone because there is the dog, who currently is suffering from her own panic attack after today’s thunderstorm.

Don’t mind us two bitches while we freak out here.

We’ll be okay.

I think.

At least the rain and hail and thunder and lightning has stopped.

And the clouds…

Somehow staring at the clouds settles and calms me. I’m going to be okay, I tell myself while taking in the bright, fluffiness that was moments earlier black and scary like the anxious thoughts that raced through my mind and crushed my chest and stifled my breaths. It’s going to be okay, I tell myself.

Now to tell my darling husband. Uh-oh…here comes the anxiety again!

Clouds…look at the clouds.

Yes.

The dog? The dog needed her Thundershirttime in her crate and definitely some time with Bill when he came home from work. Yeah, me too…time with the husband is what I need. And like the clouds, he reassures me that my unease over this big life decision is not wrong. He trusts. He believes. It will be okay he promises. It will.

Clouds…love…life…

I don’t know how, what, why or where; but I do know that today I will be okay.

a simple thing

The other day, while driving home, I approached a red light at an intersection. With two cars ahead of me stopped of course I stopped and as I did the light turned green. But none of us moved forward. A scene not unlike this is why.

Literally this. Except the little old lady with the walker walked in front of us as the light turned green for us. Perhaps she might have been lost and confused, or perhaps she regularly walks about in the neighborhood with her walker dressed in a housecoat and slippers every day. Who knows? But we all waited as she very slowly made her way across the wide, six lane street. The drivers of the three cars in front of me, the two beside me and one behind me all seemed to be okay with waiting. What else could we do? We waited. I immediately thought of that “Hello Human Kindness” commercial witnessing all of this. But my thoughts were soon disrupted with the blaring of horns behind me because confused, old lady be damned, they had places to go!

Goodbye Human Kindness!

A police cruiser came into the intersection right around the time the natives began to get restless and impatient and the officer walked the old lady over to his car and helped her to get in. He seemed to know her so perhaps this hasn’t been a first for her. And as he came to her aid, a few of us rolled our windows down and applauded…hopefully more out of goodness and kindness than happiness that this old lady was now out of our way. I’d like to think that because I like to think that there is more kindness out there in the universe.

If only we all shared more of that kindness…every day…everywhere.

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Shall we make a new rule of life…always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary? ~ The Little White Bird, JM Barrie

NaPhoPoMo