work clothes

Way, way back in 1990, when I was but a baby nurse, Bill and Hollie would stop by in the wee small hours of the morning to say hello on their way to day care and work. That is work for my darling husband and day care for 3 year old Hollie…SIGH! It was a hard thing for her to understand at that age, her mommy (when she called me mommy) heading off to work after tucking her in. So many questions she had then because who works ALL NIGHT LONG and in their PAJAMAS; at least in her 3 year old mind the nursing scrubs I was wearing when she would come and share a bowl of cereal with Scotty, the respiratory therapist while she waited for me to get off work and take her to day care were pajamas. Hollie regarded this with a mix of admiration and suspicion because no other grown up she knew wore pajamas to work, yet how cool to be able to wear pajamas to work!

How cool indeed!

And, apparently, there is such a thing as National Wear Your Pajamas To Work Day. My Timehop app told me so yesterday.


Kind of cool except yesterday was Saturday. But hey, nurses work all the hours of every single day and every single night so naturally…

I wore my pajamas, er, scrubs to work. No, I don’t sleep in my scrubs because, ew, all the hospital bugs and yuck; but my current favorite scrubs are practically soft and comfortable enough that they might as well be pajamas.

Traditionally National Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day is always the day after taxes are due in the United States; and if you’ve just paid your taxes you deserve an ULTRA-CASUAL day, don’t you? Hey, you’ve got to go to work, but who says you’ve got to change into your clothes! So actually National Wear Your Pajamas to Work Day should be Tuesday, April 19 since Tax Day this year is tomorrow.


Guess what? I am working Tuesday night. I’m definitely celebrating…again. I might even get fancy and wear flowers in my hair.


If you haven’t already filed, GET YOUR TAXES DONE!

my opinions bring all the trolls to the yard

Tax Day yesterday! And like most Americans who are not part of the 1% who enjoy the 20% tax bracket and who end up owing more taxes than they paid…even if they enjoyed unemployment and under-employment during the 2014 tax year, we waited until Tax Day to officially file.

We also imagine that Janis Joplin would take the sting out of this when we drop it off at the post office. Yes, I was humming Cry Baby as I dropped it off. I stopped praying for Lord to buy me a Mercedes Benz a long time ago.

Then I see this tweet:

And, because Hillary’s campaign follows me and I felt like answering back, I did:

I had a thought, an opinion and I expressed it. Not a ringing endorsement for Mrs. Clinton. No. It’s just me stating that as I dropped my taxes off at the post office in between choruses of Cry Baby, I thought those thoughts too.

Which, of course, brought all the trolls to the yard.

Because, of course my tweet confirms that all I want is a hand out…for me…for my family…for everyone. And I am voting for Hillary too.

Trolls are discerning that way.

They also have nothing better to do with their time.

Here’s the thing dear trolls, especially the gentleman from Texas with your Broadus generalizations, although I am obviously a Democrat, I am not necessarily ready for Hillary. I like her. I like her a lot. I have always thought her to be an exceptionally smart woman. There is nothing wrong with a smart woman. Smart women are pretty awesome. But is she my candidate for 2016?

I’m not sure.


Truthfully, I am not sure of any candidate who has so far tossed their hats into the ring. Some I can not agree with or endorse ever. Some I just don’t believe are qualified. And Hillary? I’m afraid that regardless of her qualifications what will happen will be four more years of the what we have right now. A President unable to effectively lead with a Republican Congress who have time and time again stated they will do everything in their power to insure that the President can not lead; which I can not imagine is a government for the people by the people.

Scrolling through the trolls’ timelines, it would seem that you all aren’t too happy with Boehner, McConnell, McCain and company either.

At least we can agree on that.

Sad that we can not agree to disagree.

Gird your loins, people! 2016 is going to be all kinds of ugly.

because doing your taxes (or your kids’) isn’t nearly hard enough


Tax filing season! It’s got to be done, whether I want to or not. FAFSAs have been filed and well, mom and dad’s tax returns are needed to complete that little bit of fun. So receipts and papers are gathered and tax prep program purchased and ready to download…

Four and a half hours later….

still trying to download…

then thirty more minutes pass and there is this.


I seriously wanted to cry.

I did cry just a little.

Who cares about FAFSAs and taxes I know that we will owe and helping the kids file their EZ taxes.

Who the heck cares about any of that?!

This screen makes me want to cry.

My picture files….

My ancient, slower than my granny paced running time laptop with my precious picture files and my writing and, and, and, and…


I shut down the computer, wait a minute or two, or more then restart it and…


Please, oh please, please, please, please….

It takes forever to turn on and start because this laptop is old and decrepit. Hazel wasn’t  even born yet when this laptop was fired up for the first time.


It’s up and running.

I spent the rest of the evening before dinner backing up over 7,000 picture files from 2013 and the first two months of 2014 onto my external hard drive because…priorities, people!

Then after dinner I try one more time to download the tax prep program and…

…twenty minutes later it is downloaded, up and running and ready to prepare the taxes here under the Big Top. And I am a quivering, Jello-like mass of feelings and stress and tears.

So much for a tax prep program that wants me to be comfortable when filing my taxes.

The taxes will have to wait for another day.

looking through Oz colored glasses

Struggling…struggling much, much too hard here. Since receiving news Friday that will gravely affect our finances, our Big Top, our family, our ability to care for our family, I have become unbelievably overwhelmed…

and crying a lot…

and sleepless…

and literally shaky…

and not hungry…

and on and on.

I’m already barely hanging on with depression and anxiety that my former family doctor was certain I could fix with hypnosis. Hormone therapy and running (oh thank glob for running!) keeps me going as does my circus clowns but Friday I was knocked down…knocked down hard. Getting up earlier this week I was knocked down even harder trying to solve our problems because the care and feeding and housing of my family does not matter much at all when The Man demands that which you don’t have…right now! Miss Hardy of the IRS made that very clear to me. Prove your hardship. Prove that you must house and clothe and feed your circus act and then maybe we won’t take away all your money that you can barely live on paycheck to paycheck is what she told me. In the meantime, it belongs to The Man.

I felt as if I could not breathe. And then for almost an hour I went to a very, very dark place inside myself. It froze me. I felt as if I was encased in concrete or perhaps frozen in carbonite. Frozen in that dark place, I have never felt so hopeless, so demoralized, so unable to do anything…except that which my mind seemed to be telling me I must do. It was such a scary idea in my mind.

Yeah, I could very well be having a nervous breakdown. Aren’t you glad I am oversharing that?

Sorry. I just can’t help myself.

I need help.

Desperately so, I know…and no, Dr. Assdale, I don’t imagine that hypnosis is what I need.

But first I must fill out this damn 433F form, as well as 656 Form and then call back Miss Hardy and beg for a little grace…grace I certainly don’t deserve but dammit my family does!

I can’t wait to call her back because I know I can not emotionally and physically take verbal insults and abuse from her again.

But I have to. I must. I have no other choice.

But before I do, I took a break…a brief break, but a very much needed break and journeyed to Oz with Jodie.

Looking through these Oz colored glasses while enjoying a sneak preview of Oz, The Great and Powerful was a much needed balm. An oh-so, but desperately required respite before I completely fall apart and actually listen to that voice in that very dark place.

Don’t worry, I won’t listen to that voice, not ever. I guess that is one good thing Mommy Dearest taught me by doing…to herself…repeatedly…when I was just a child. Actually I credit my circus clowns who call me away, distract me, love me and hold on to me so tightly.

The movie? I enjoyed it. I’ll share a review later. But first I must finish filling out those forms and then prepare to call Miss Hardy back.

If you pray or think good thoughts or light candles or are into voodoo I need all of it desperately.

Thank you.

Tuesday Thoughts and Celebrations

  • At last! The Big Top taxes are done and ready to send. I would say let’s celebrate but I don’t have the $ to throw a party. The government does.
  • The project for work is also complete and sent on it’s merry way as well. Yes, I will celebrate that one
  • More donations for our WalkAmerica TeamDaniel effort are coming in. You guys are so generous and really rock. Thanks mucho! You can still join us, it’s not too late.
  • So much already has been said about the tragic events in Virginia yesterday. I feel kind of detached from it all because I was sleeping Monday (after working Sunday night) as the events unfolded on tv. Perhaps that is a blessing as it seems when senseless things like this take place it becomes the only thing one can watch. I know because I found myself unable to look away before. Still, I am horrified and my heart is breaking for the family and friends of the victims. I am so sorry and I am praying.
  • No word yet from my doctor on that lovely lady lump of mine. I could say that no news is good news but the lump is still there in the mammogram pictures that were taken on April 4th and six months prior.
  • Today I find myself doing something that I could not imagine happening…registering Daniel for kindergarten! It seems so surreal to reach this milestone when it seems like just a blink of and eye ago that Daniel was this small when he was a little over 2 months old…and even smaller and fighting just survive. We did not speak of kindergarten registration then much less anything else in the future. There is no future for a micro-preemie while in the NICU. There is only day to day survival and a lot of waiting for time to decide the ultimate fate of babies the size of a can of soda.

After a lot of stressing on my part, praying, discussion with Bill, Daniel’s teachers, his pediatrician and other respected experts, I have accepted that kindergarten is the next step for our amazing little man. He will be attending Special Day Class Kindergarten (another way to say special ed). The challenge now is to find the right fit for Daniel. As always, the little guy is in the gray area when it comes to disability and impairment. In other words he is too good and too smart for his own good. He is not quite ready for mainstream but he is when he is tested he also is not quite impaired enough. Thankfully, his education team is on his side and ready to fight to help us get what he needs to continue to be, in the words of Dr. Eddie Alderette, a successful micro-preemie. One option just opened up and I am really keeping my fingers crossed and praying for this one. A new SDC kindergarten program is starting at the school Abby and Jodie go to. It is focused strictly on kindergarten rather than K-3 grades as other programs in the district are, which means Daniel would be with kids his own age and level. It also means that the short bus won’t be stopping at our house next year. I would so love to be able to have Jodie and Daniel at the same school. The only road block to this option is it seems that my boy is just a little too verbal, a little too smart on paper and in class. Ultimately it depends on how he performs when he is tested in the next couple of weeks. Until then I am registering my youngest child for kindergarten today.
I’m definitely celebrating this one.

My wish is for more tiny babies like Daniel to have this day come for them. Support the March of Dimes’ WalkAmerica and TeamDaniel.